It's been a year

It's been more than a year since I've written anything on this space of the internet. And the more I think about it, the more I realize it's probably been that long since I've written much of anything. I won't try to summarize the happenings of the past year. But a lot has happened. Which brings me to tonight. Sitting here by the fire, trying not to be too self-conscious of what's coming from my fingertips.

I've been a "stay at home mom" for 6 months now. Yes, I have my own business now and I am still technically working- but it's not even close to being the same as working 40+ hrs a week at a job that never really sleeps or takes a day off. I work a fraction of the hours and the rest of my time has been spent at home. With my kids. It's been a crazy ride.

Those first few months of summer feeling like the summer vacation I never had. Playing, swimming, sleeping in. Morning walks and never getting out of our PJ's. I fell in love with my children all over again. It was like the honeymoon phase of my new life.

And then there was football season- a blur of 3 months where I just smile and nod and just try to keep my head above water. But this year was easier because the stress of that aforementioned always-on job wasn't there. But football season is its own beast for another day. And we made it through another year.

And then....nothing. Bart has his life of school and football and molding young men into decent human beings. And I have- what? Dishes and laundry and toys and more dishes and toilets to clean. I also have depression and a therapist and questions of "What am I doing with my life? Why isn't this enough for me? Why can't I be happy?" I have season 1-3 to binge watch and my own business that doesn't challenge me enough. I have questions and frustrations and fears of the future.

So I'm writing. Because Bart asked me what I like to do, and told me I should do it. I still don't have answers. Answers to questions like "What does God want me to do with all this extra time on my hands?" and "What makes me feel alive and fulfilled?"

Maybe I'll start a new series of "what I learned in therapy today"...because there are definitely golden nuggets to be shared. Today was about self-care- and labeling needs so we can address them. I realize some of my unmet needs are the following:

The need to be challenged
Connection + friendship
Having a project- need to "complete" something

And I use binge-watching TV and shopping as my way to numb the boredom and emptiness I feel (more TV than shopping now because....#stillaminimalist).  I learned that self-care can be as simple as going to bed when you're tired. And that it is a daily thing, not some big pamper session every few months. That self-care is the opposite of selfish. That no one else is going to be in charge of my self-care. That sometimes it's not fun, or not something we really want to do. But that it's necessary. (side note- maybe my goal in life should be to learn how to spell necessary the FIRST time I try.)

So there you have it friends. A few things that are on my mind tonight.


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