Hi baby: Cooper Turns 1!

Happy birthday my sweet baby boy. This has been the fastest year of my life. Part of me feels so sad! I feel like somehow I missed out on your life. Where have I been?? But then I realize I've been here, with you an you sister as we have created our new normal. The first half of your life was spent being saved by your sister, and this second half has been spent experiencing PTSD and assuming every time she comes close its to hurt you. But you've survived. You are kind of a whimp, but I don't blame you.

You're definitely a mamas boy and are happiest when I'm holding you. You have this billy goat laugh that is the sweetest sound. We were in a class at church and you started laughing for about 5 minutes straight- straight thru a prayer and everyone in the room was laughing right along with you. Your smile is contagious and plastered on your face 90% of the day. When people meet you they comment on your bright blue eyes and say something like " happy boy!!"

You started walking two weeks before your birthday and have the bumps and bruises to prove it. You love cars and balls and can toss a ball pretty good! You're in the phase of "take everything out" and love to explore an unopened drawer or basket. To say you love soft blankets is an understatement. You're obsessed wth your little minky blanket and sleep with it nuzzled into your face.

You're eating me out of house and home and I don't know what I'm going to do when you're a full grown boy! You could literally eat all day, but spit anything out you're not in the mood for. You turn hangry pretty quick and if I even think about getting you out of your chair before you're full you give me an ear full.

I have been much less stressed with you, and have been enjoying each stage as it comes, instead of looking for the next stage to begin. You don't sleep in. Ever. You don't even make it to 6am and I have no idea what to do about it. Despite bedtimes or nap times, you're whining around 5:30am and your mean mother leaves you to fend for yourself until 6.  The handful of times you've made it to 6 we have celebrated. I'm crossing my fingers that you'll figure it out soon.

My favorite things I don't want to forget:

-your gap teeth grin

-billy goat laugh

-your baby blabber

-rolling around and laughing with your soft blanket & pillow

You have made my heart grow two more sizes. You bring peace to my soul. 

Hi baby: Coopie boy

Hi Coopie

Hello my sweet baby boy. I love you so much! You're growing and learning everyday and I can't believe you're almost 10 months old. It has gone by so fast, and it feels like you've always been a part of our family. You are a mama's boy and it's been an adjustment for me. Most moms don't like their babies crawling around and exploring and getting into things- but I don't mind it. That's how your sister was- but not you. You want me to hold you or be on the floor right by you as you play. 

Sometimes if you're in a good mood you might go off for 10 minutes or so checking out all the toys. But it doesn't last long. I think you're getting like 4 different teeth right now and so that makes you a little (lot) more whiny. You LOVE food and sometimes I run out of things to feed you. I try to make sure it's all balanced and there are times you've eaten your way through the food pyramid and I just have to give you a few graham crackers to fill in all that extra space still in your belly. You're a wonderful sleeper and take two naps a day and sleep great at night. You love cuddling with your soft blanket and you have a monkey binki you love.

Right now your favorite item is a big yellow plastic ball. It's bigger than you are, but you chase that thing around the entire house and giggle and yell in excitement. You can pick it up and "throw" it and then chase after it. Its adorable.

Everyone comments on your beautiful bright blue eyes. You smile at everyone and people think you're just the perfect looking baby. And you are. You don't look much like your sister anymore but you are so beautiful in a way totally different from her! You're growing big but feel proportioned and just look like the typical chubby Gerber baby.

You say dada all day and blow raspberries. You will say mama if you're whining and trying to track me down. You are terrified by your sister but you also giggle the entire time in the backseat when she plays and talks to you. I hope you two can become friends.

I love you Cooper boy. Your sister is still calling you Booger and it's growing on all of us. We also call you Boogs a lot or Coopie or Boogie. We'll see if any of these nicknames stick through your childhood. I hope you know how special you are, and how much you complete me life and mommy heart.

xox

Mom

Hi baby: another entry

Hi my sweet girl. I just got done reading a small journal my mom kept as she wrote down memories and things about me as I was a baby and toddler. It was so fun to read her thoughts about me and feel her love as she wrote. I hope that is what you get out of this as you read my letters to you! 

I love you so much. You are three and bold and beautiful and smart and independent and funny and sweet and sassy. I hope you never give up on your confidence and excitement for life and new things. You have a fun imagination and like to play games. You like to be the mommy and I'm the "honey". You're a sweet little mommy and you take good care of your honey. You aren't nice to your brother and that's probably my biggest frustration with you right now. You like to terrorize him and I'm at a loss of what to do. I feel like if you could just play sweet with him all my problems would be solved. He loves and is fascinated by you, but he's also scared of you and doesn't have much patience for your constant badgering. I'm assuming one day you'll move past it, but I'm not getting my hopes up too much.

Right now you love to play with other kids. Everyone immediately becomes your friend and you can play outside with kids you just met for hours. You're a social butterfly. Sometimes you're the one in charge, but most of the time you're fine with following the leader. As long as they're being nice to you, you aren't too particular. You love to climb and test your body and learn what it can do. You also love to draw and color and surprisingly you prefer a pen and lined paper over crayons and a coloring book.

You have a funny mind that is a bit OCD/neurotic. If something is broken or bent or cracked you can't move past it. You like things how they should be. Your shirts can't come up in the back when you sit down or you freak out. You don't like capris, 3/4 length sleeves or tankinis because you think they just don't fit.

You're talking wonderfully and you're a big chatterbox. You're also a champion whiner and it really gets on my nerves. I've had to say many prayers of forgiveness for losing my temper, and my prayers for help in being more patient with you. But at the end of the day you want me to "hold me for little bit" and sing you lots of songs. I'm trying not to rush those nights. I'll know I will miss them soon enough.

I love you so much Kenny bear! You are my whole life. Me and your daddy are constantly talking about you. Praying for you, and thinking of you. I can't wait to see what kind of person you grow up to be. I know as you make right choices, you will become a wonderful spiritual giant who does amazing things.

Xoxo

Mom 

Hi Baby: Happy 3rd Birthday

Happy birthday my sweet baby girl.

 I know every mom says this on every birthday- but I can't believe you're already 3! Today after your nap you cuddled with me for a full 15 minutes. And while that might not seem that long to some, for you and your world with big, explosive feelings and energy- it felt like forever. And it was just what this mommy needed. Your sweet soft skin clutching onto that stupid old puppy and still fitting your head right where it needs to be. It was the best 15 minutes I've had this week. You can tell everyone your birthday is "August 5th!" and when asked what you want for your birthday you immediately yell "CAKE!" and then a notch quieter yell "AND POPPY AND NANA AND JAKE". You're an easy girl to please.

I remember August 5th 2014 and being told you were coming TONIGHT, not in 3 days like we thought. I was in labor but your stubborn body was breach which meant we had to do things a little differently. But you came out perfect at 6PM and I've been enamored by you ever since. You have made me a better person. You have shown me my purpose here on Earth. Being your mom is the most satisfying and fulfilling thing I have ever done. Not a day goes by that I don't thank my Heavenly Father for trusting me to be your mom. I pray that I can raise you and love you and mother you in the ways that will help you grow and succeed and flourish. I never want to be the person that dulls your sparkle or rains on your crazy little person parade.

 I've learned to give you space and independence and you're thriving. You have such amazing control over your body and strength. You're such a physical person and I love watching you experiment and test your body's limits. You're starting to draw and I'm pretty impressed by you. You can draw circles and faces and lines that are "mom and daddy and Booger and Kenzie!" You love to use your scissors and still aren't super into toys. You still yell "I'LL HELP YOU!" and proceed to drag a kitchen chair over to the counter to help me cook. You get frustrated, but can be talked down pretty quickly. You throw tantrums, but only when you're tired. You love to watch movies/TV and we usually watch a show in the evening to help you calm down a little bit. You're starting to become sweeter and nicer to Cooper and you two actually played together for 20 MINUTES and I thought I died and went to Heaven.

You're smart, sassy, funny and quick. You ask questions when you don't understand something. You repeat until you totally comprehend what I'm saying. You love making new friends and can play for hours with others. You also sometimes like to act like a "little baby" and need to be held and I don't mind it one bit. You're starting to test bedtime and try to pull the "I need a drink. I'm hungry. I want dad to sing me a song" but I'm still winning that game...for now.

I don't know how to express my love for you. And this last year has been so much FUN. I've loved being able to talk and communicate. I love your funny sayings and demeanor. You make me smile and laugh every day, and I try to make you laugh every day too. You're my best girl. I say a silent prayer every day that we can always be best friends. I hope as I write you something on your 13th birthday I can say that same thing. But for now, I will soak up every sweet moment with my little 3 year old. I love you Kenzie girl.

xoxo
Mom

Hi baby: bedtime snuggles

Hi my sweet baby boy,

Tonight as I was putting you down for bed you passed out in my arms. I held you and sang a song and you were asleep before the end of the first verse. I don't think that has ever happened. I sat there and snuggled you in my arms for 30 minutes before finally laying you down. It was a dreamy way to end the day. I love you so much. I've said this since the day you were born- you bring peace into my life. You're such a cuddle bug and I'm loving it. Your smile and eyebrow-grin is still going strong all day everyday. You're starting to get up on your hands and knees and I think you'll be crawling in a matter of weeks. You're obsessed with real food and you have drastically cut out the milk you want. You're ready for the good stuff!

As I was holding you tonight staring at your perfect button nose and juicy lips I tried to imagine the boy and man you will grow up to be. Will you be a sweet and mellow dude? Or a crazy kid bouncing off the walls? Will you be kind and happy? Or an angsty teen? Will you have addictions or a mental illness? Will you grow up and live a long and healthy live, or does Heavenly Father have a different plan for you? Will you always be my sweet baby boy? Or will you demand independence and space and call me once a week? Will you be responsible and respectful and hard working? Or will you struggle to find your space in this world? There are so many people that go so many different directions. I can't help but wonder what paths you will choose. What mistakes you make. What decisions will guide your life? I can't imagine the little boy or toddler or teen that you'll grow into (well I can, in my mind you'll be that smiley kid that everyone likes and maybe a little trouble...but we'll see if I'm right). But there is one thing I know about the future. I will always love you and you will always be my sweet baby boy. 

Xoxo

Mom

Hi baby: Mother's Day

To my sweet babies,

It's mother's day and I feel so thankful for you. Without you, I wouldn't be a mother. And being a mother has become my greatest joy. You two fill me with such heavenly love and happiness. Your dad and I are amazed by you every night as we climb into bed. We talk about you both, wonder at you. Mckenzie, you are the best person in the whole world. We love watching you grow up and learn and talk. You make us laugh and shake our heads and we are so proud of you. You're a beautiful little girl who is so kind and thoughtful and loving. You're spicy and feisty and full of life. Cooper! You make my world go 'round. You bring a feeling of peace to whoever is around you. You have a charming smile and when you raise those eyebrows- hearts melt. You are growing so fast and my mommy heart can't take it! You make me so happy. 

So while people tell me "happy mother's day" today, I want to tell YOU, thank you for being mine. Thank you for forgiving me and loving me. Thank you for being patient as I learn how to teach, love and raise you. 

I love you with every bone in my body

xoxo

Mom

Hi Baby: A little update

Hi baby,

Am I still allowed to call you that after 2+ years and weeks away from having another one? I can't imagine calling you anything else!

I haven't written anything to you for so long because life has just been busy and typical and every time I sit down to write something, I have nothing to say. But the last 2 weeks have been so much fun with you. The month of September was a solid 3 weeks of hell and as always, after a hard phase comes a wonderful phase. You're goofy, energetic, smart and adorable. You are chatty and I speak fluent Mckenzie so we talk all day. I have figured out how to communicate with you to avoid meltdowns and you are becoming more patient every day.

You LOVE to dress yourself now that you have figured out how to do it. I moved all your clothes to the bottom dresser drawers so you're able to access everything. You usually change at least once a day. And if I get you dressed, you eventually find something else to wear and say "better!". You have a lot of cute outfits...but no one really sees them. And I guess that's OK.

We're spending a lot of time outside now that the weather has cooled down. You love to ride your scooter for about 20 minutes and then you get tired and just stick to what you know- running! Whenever you start you yell "running!" and it's so funny. I love your energy and passion for life- it brings a smile to my face every time. When you fall down you usually say "I'm OK mom" and keep going. Sometimes you need me to kiss it better, and then keep going. You're a very compassionate little girl and if I seem upset or hurt you come over to make sure I'm OK too and usually give my boo-boo a kiss. Your phrases like "ok mom!" and "thanks mom!" melt my heart.

You love to go to daddy's football games and are obsessed with their cougar mascot. I usually get you a ring pop and it distracts you for almost the entire first half. You clap, cheer and yell right along with the crowd and it's been so fun to have you with me this football season. You've missed your dad a lot, which is why you were having such a hard month in September, but you're getting better and I know next month you'll be so happy when dad is back home more often.

Your brother is going to be here so soon! And I'm a little nervous about how you're going to react. I know you're going to love him, but I also don't know how you're going to feel about having to share mom and dad. I'm really looking forward to getting 12 weeks off work, and it's mostly because that means I get 3 full months with you! I haven't had that since you were a newborn baby, and I can't wait to be home with you and your brother all day every day. I know it's going to be hard, but since I'm a "working mom" I am going to take full advantage of the chance to be with you 2 and not work for a while.

I have been thinking of getting rid of this blog, but then a memory pops up on FB and I get to read back on my life, before and after you got here, and I realize the memories I have written on here are priceless. Hopefully one day I can print them all out. I'm also assuming I'll be back to daily blogging once your brother gets here and I'm up all night. I had plenty to say at 3 a.m. when you were just a baby.

I love you little girl. I'm so proud of you and I genuinely love being your mom. You make me happy every single day.

xoxo
mom

Hi Baby Boy: 25 Weeks

Hi little man,

I'm sorry I haven't written very many letters to you. Your big sister is keeping me busy, and I'm sure that will be the theme of your life sometimes. But that's OK. I know once you get here one of you will have to wait a little longer than usual for something you want/need. It's going to be a pretty big shift for your sister. She's used to being the center of our universe and we've been happy to give her that one on one attention!

Your dad and I were joking last night about how much we're going to love you in comparison to your sister. Should I be telling you this?? Maybe not. It's just hard to believe we can love and adore anything as much as we love and adore Mckenzie. We joked and said "people tell us it's possible...but we won't believe it until we feel it". But it's only a half-hearted joke because of COURSE we're going to love you just as much. I really can't wait for you to get here. I am so excited to have another baby. I would have 10 children if I could because all that love and happiness you feel about one? Why wouldn't you want to times that by ten? I have truly loved being a mom these past 2 years, and having you join us in just over 3 months is going to be icing on the cake.

I feel you moving around in my belly much more than I ever did the first time around. My OB says the first one is always the one you feel the least. You have some pretty powerful kicks and jabs already and every once in a while it makes me jump/jerk around because it startles me! But I love it. You're moving right now and it's such an amazing feeling to know you're healthy and growing inside my belly.

This pregnancy has gone by much quicker for me. I remember when I found out I was pregnant I thought about how you'll be here just 3 months after Mckenzie turns 2 (which felt like a long time). Well Mckenzie will be 2 in less than 2 weeks! Which means we're in the home stretch and it's only a few more months before I'm holding you in my arms.

As I took a nap today I thought back to that first phase (that seems to last forever) of no sleep. So right now I'm napping almost every day, and enjoying every second of it. Your sister has always loved to sleep, so I don't see her dropping her nap anytime soon (KNOCK ON WOOD) but I would assume having 2 kids means it's pretty much impossible to get a nap fit in somewhere. But I also feel much more ready for that phase, because I've been there before and I know it ends eventually. I'm really hoping/planning on it being a little easier this time around.

Well my love, I just wanted to check in and let you know I think about you every day. Your dad and I talk about you every day, and your sister...claims you sometimes :)

Stay strong and keep growing my baby,

xoxo
Mom

Hi baby boy: 20 weeks

Hi my sweet baby boy,

I can't believe it's been more than 2 years since I wrote a 20-week note to your big sister. I remember being so consumed with pregnancy and the unknown. It's been different this time with you. I know more. I understand more. I'm at much more peace with everything. I also know we're only halfway there and this next half is going to drag on. And that's OK. I'm excited for you to join our family, but I'm also trying to enjoy every single second I have with your sister. So I can wait for your arrival. 

We had your anatomy check up this week and everything looks good. Your heart and brain are developing right on track and you are a whopping 12oz! I saw your belly and your tiny hands and feet. I don't feel you very often- yet. And I'm really excited for when you become part of my everyday. There's nothing like feeling a child move inside your belly- and I miss you when I don't feel you for a few days! But starting next week I'll be feeling you all day everyday. My favorite. 

I want you to know how excited your dad and I are about having you join our family. We love you already, and can't wait to see your personality. Will you be a crazy goofball like Mckenzie? Or will you be a mellow dude? Either way- you'll make the perfect addition to our family. 

So stay strong and keep growing my son, I love you. 

Xoxo 

Mom 

Hi baby (#2) 6 weeks

Hello my little poppyseed.

I'm six weeks along today and only a handful of people know about you. I'm so happy to be pregnant again and feel much more confident this time around. I'm not studying the daily emails and downloading every app. For the most part, I know what to expect. 

I forgot how tired growing a little person makes you these first few months! Today you will be tripling in size! No wonder I needed a nap. I've been a little sick off and on, but nothing too bad yet. Just really tired. My first and number 1 pregnancy symptom is bloating and that's in full force. Since you're slowing down my digestive system any food I eat sits there for what feels like all day. My belly sticks out like I'm 5 months pregnant already and that's been so much fun to hide. 

No major cravings or aversions yet. I've been eating about 90% paleo for the last 3 weeks and you don't seem to mind. With your sister I threw healthy eating out the window because I was just so hungry all the time and couldn't choke down a vegetable! I know it's still early into the pregnancy so we'll see what happens. 

I'm beginning to think about life with a newborn again and all I have to say is, we'll survive. I won't know a thing about raising a two year old and a newborn together- but this motherhood thing has a way of working that all out. 

Your daddy is very happy about you. He keeps referring to you as a "sister" and then after a pause adds "or brother". I guess we will know in about 10 weeks! 

I wish I was 7 months pregnant already and the waiting game is going to be the hardest part! So until then, I'll write you love letters and imagine who you will be. 

Stay strong and keep growing 

Xoxo

Mom 

Hi Baby: 18 months

Hi baby girl,

Tonight I put you to bed with a tortilla. You ran to the pantry and grabbed a tortilla when I told you it was time for bed, probably thinking it would stall The inevitable. It didn't work. And you didn't hate it. You happily ate in bed, sang to your puppy and fell asleep. When did you become a little person?? With thoughts and reactions and decisions? Every day you are less a baby and more a little girl. 

You understand every word I say, and are now saying things like "here you go" and "that's mine". You know how to kneel down when we say prayers and you fold your arms and can make it almost a full minute before you start fidgeting. But you wait patiently and say "amen" right on cue. Seeing you kneel down and understand prayer time is so special for me. I hope you continue to grow up and understand there will always be a loving Heavenly Father listening. 

You call out "mommy!" whenever you need something. From getting out of the tub, to taking a big step over a snow pile. You yell "mommy" and hold out your hand. Even when I'm standing behind you, or you can't see me, you know I'll be there if you say my name. You're showing more of a preference for me compared to daddy right now. But you'll still only nap on dad's lap and not mine. God is fair that way. 

You must be having some kind of development jump because you've reverted back to carrying Dog everywhere, and even found your (now year old) binki and started sucking on it again. It's like your trying to sooth yourself into this next phase of life. I like it because that means more cuddles and loves for me! 

Your last 3 teeth are making their way up so you're eating preferences change from day to day, depending on how much your mouth hurts. You're obsessed with drinking water and just this last week I have started saying "no" because you just keep drinking it. I think at this point it's more of a soothing habit than a need. 

We went for a 45 minute walk today and you pushed your baby stroller up and down the sidewalk. Sometimes you would run. Sometimes you would try to run me over. You'd find a crack and follow it. You'd see your shadow and get distracted. You'd practice walking in the snow and need me to help you move things along. 

I never would have imagined 18 months ago that this is the kind of person you have turned into. That my baby is no longer a baby and that you walk/run more than you are held. You understand the world around you, and you're loving every minute. Thank you for filling my life with a love I will never be able to explain, and that only moms can understand. This last year and a half with you has been the most uneventful and yet life changing phase of my life. And I am so excited to see what's next. 

I love you baby girl. 

Xoxo 

Mom 

Hi Baby: Heavenly Bedtimes

Hi my sweet baby,

I just got done putting you down for bed in what has become our new routine. I hold you in my lap as we sing songs (and maybe read a book if you're interested). Then we just sit there and cuddle. Sometimes you're playful and other times you're too sleepy and just want to relax. Tonight you were playful. As I sang you some of my favorite primary songs you would look up at me with this mischievous and yet precious close-mouthed grin. Then hurry and look away. It's like you want to make sure that I know you're loving our time together. It melts me heart and I love it every time you do it. As you lay back in my arms to get a little more comfortable you start to giggle as you hold Dog and try to reach for my face. We tease each other and you get all your silly energy out. You don't wiggle though. You have come to learn that bedtime means winding down and if you start to wiggle or want to play on the floor I put you in your crib. I love that you've caught on to my ways. If you're good and just want to snuggle, you end up staying in my lap much longer and our bedtime routine stretches further. I'm in no rush to do anything else. I would hold you like that all night if I could. I truly enjoy every single second of our time together, especially these silly nights.

As you lay in bed with a sticky face and hands (no bath for you tonight) I can't help but feel so much love for you. You're my favorite thing in this whole world. I love watching you grow up. You're quickly becoming my little girl instead of a baby, but you'll always be my baby girl. You are doing so many funny things right now. You're newest "trick" is to try to hold everything in your hands. You gather everything up, start by holding a few things in each hand and then get the rest of your body involved. You shove things under your arm pit and grab an armful. It's so funny and it makes me laugh every time.

I can tell you're understanding most of what I say these days. When we're downstairs and I say "should we go take a nap?" you head for the stairs with Dog. If we're upstairs and I ask if you want a snack or dinner you know exactly where to go. You're testing me with your behavior, but for the most part you understand what is OK and what isn't (for now). You like to screetch and scream when you're impatient but when I give you the look you stop (usually).

Your daddy and I are always talking about how much we love your personality and how we hope you never change. I want you to always be curious, happy and most of all- goofy. It's one of my favorite traits you have, and I would be so sad if one day it was gone. I am doing all I can to make sure you feel loved and accepted in your personality and I'm not one to shut you down, even when we're in public. Obviously if you're throwing a fit I will parent you, but if you're just expressing yourself and being silly then I'm not going to be the one to tell you to be quiet. I don't ever want you to "be quiet". I want you to have opinions and share them. I want you to be bold and not embarrassed. I want you to be confident in yourself and not afraid of what other people are thinking of you. Of course there are rules to follow, but I don't think that means we have to conform to the way a 1 year old "should" be acting (big LOL to the people who think they know what that looks like).

she was obsessed with the broom for a day. wouldn't put it down. it made for a fun walk!

I'm basically obsessed with you, and I'm not afraid to say it! Thanks for being such an angel. I'm thoroughly enjoying this happy phase you are in. I'm filling up my mommy love bucket for when you switch back over to a beasty baby (because I know you will. Cycles and all that!)

xoxo
Mom

Hi Baby: Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday my sweet angel baby,

As I held you tonight and gave you your bedtime bottle and sang you the song I have sung at least once ever day since you were born- I couldn't help but cry a little bit. To say I am overwhelmed at the fact that you are turning one is the understatement my life. I started crying at work the other day just talking about it and yes, everyone thought it was funny but totally understood too.

I remember the day you were born like it just happened. I remember going to work that morning and having contractions and having my crowd of interns look at me sideways like I was dying (which is what it felt like BTW). I remember going to my last doctor appointment later that day before your scheduled arrival (which was supposed to be 3 days later) and telling her I didn't feel very good and something keeps hurting and is this what contractions feel like??? Yes. And your baby is coming tonight. In 4 hours.

I remember going into the surgery room and having them pull you out of me at 6:08pm. I remember your dad snapping away with the camera and hearing you scream your little head off. I remember finally getting to hold you and see your face for the first time and yes, of course that's what you look like. We've met before. You were meant to be mine.

This year I remember so much of you. I remember every milestone, every new sound you have started to make and every new way you learn to throw a tantrum. I remember the first smile you gave me and the first time you rolled over. I remember the time your car seat flipped over as I was driving because I didn't snap it in right- you were maybe a month old and I felt like the worst mom ever. I remember the lack of sleep and the day you finally slept through the night. I remember every feeling and emotion you have brought out of me in just 365 days.

I have loved becoming your mom this past year. Step by step, mistake after mistake, we have done it together. The happiness and joy you have brought to our family this year is impossible to explain and I know you won't understand it until you have a baby of your own.

I'm not crying because I'm sad. I'm not crying because I feel like I missed out on this past year. (On the contrary, I know I've been very much here and present with you everyday). I'm crying because I'm reflecting on all that love, sadness, fear, joy, happiness, peace and honor I have felt this year. And I can only imagine what the next years will bring.

So enjoy your birthday my big girl. I will keep singing your bedtime song and adore you every minute of the day. I love you.

xoxo
Mom

Hi Baby, I love you

Hey there my sweet baby girl,


It's been a while since I've written anything to you. I really love to write, but I usually write when life is hard. When I'm sad or confused. When I'm depressed or feeling alone. When you first joined our family I had all of those emotions so I wrote non stop. It helped me clear my mind and feel a little more sane. None of those adjectives describe my life right now, so I haven't felt the need to write as much. I am so happy! Being your mom has changed my life and brought me more happiness and joy than anything I could ever imagine.

Watching you learn and grow right before my eyes has been amazing! You are learning new "tricks" every day and it's so fun to play around with you. You now know how to "come and get me" and chase me around the room with a grin and a squeal. You just learned how to wave "bye bye" and laugh and yelp at everything. I really could just be with you all day when you're in a good mood and never get bored.

Your personality is shining through more and more and you're such a goofball. You love people and new environments and attention. When you're mad you make sure we all know it and you're already starting to throw temper tantrums. I know you just get frustrated and overwhelmed sometimes, and they are pretty funny to watch.

Thank you for being such a sweet baby and my best buddy. I love spending every day with you and I'm excited to see where our life takes us. I love you Kenners.

xoxo
Mom

Hi Baby: Eating sand

Hi baby

I have one word to describe you lately: BUSY!!

You started crawling about 2 weeks ago and haven't stopped moving since. I don't think you really like crawling and I have a feeling you are going to start walking pretty quickly. You crawl a little distance and then sit back down to "rest" it's actually pretty adorable and I love watching you explore. Once you realized you could crawl you kind of went for the next step- pulling yourself up on things. If you're next to a box, chair, leg or stair you will pull yourself up to stand. You haven't been able to stand on your own, but you are trying!

It's so much fun to see you be mobile and explore your little world. It's important to me that you can move freely in the room(s) you are in, so we have baby proofed enough so I don't have to tell you no or drag you away from something. I just kind of let you do your thing and move wherever you want. You love a good closet! They are pretty entertaining for you. You are such a smart little baby. I can see your mind working and trying to figure things out. I love to watch you from a distance as you are in your own little world. The other day you played with the glider in your room for probably 10 minutes. You tested out the moving parts, the hard and cold metal and the soft cushions of the chairs. You kept bumping your head and getting frustrated, but I just let you figure it out. I can't keep you from bumping your head on everything and you have to learn somehow right?

We went to the lake this afternoon since daddy was going to be gone all day. We played in the sand and water and hung out on a blanket on the grass. It was such a nice day! I'm excited for this summer. You are at such a great age to go out and do new things. You loved the sand! Your little toes enjoyed the feeling of them and you shoved handfuls of sand into your mouth THREE different times. The first time I laughed pretty hard. I had zero chance of stopping your speedy chubby hands! Your face after you ate it was pretty priceless. You glared at me and just kept chewing. It was funny. I kept you from eating more, but there were two other attempts that you beat me to it.

I've had so much fun with you lately- you are my best buddy! Thanks for being so funny, happy and loving. I love you!

xo
Mom

Hi Baby: checking in

Hi baby,

It's been a minute since I have written one of these. Mostly because I am having way too much fun playing with you I don't find the time to write anything down.

You'll be 8 months old in just a few days and I love you more and more every day. You are so much fun and picking you up after work is the best part of my day. We spend the afternoons playing and working. You are getting harder to work around because you are just so curious. But for the most part you are still cooperating!

You LOVE food. Even when you aren't even hungry you love food. If someone is eating around you and they aren't sharing- watch out! I haven't come across anything you haven't liked and you've had a pretty wide variety of food at this point. Your current favorite is blueberries. I gave you blackberries yesterday and you loved those too. Watching you eat is seriously one of my favorite things. It's so funny.

You aren't crawling just yet but you want to be! You are so aware and curious that you're starting to get frustrated that you can't get to things yourself. Dad and I both give you 3 more weeks before you are mobile....that will be interesting!

Every day you change and grow up and I am the opposite of sad about it. I love seeing you grow and develop new skills. It's one of the best parts of being your mom. You're such a beautiful, happy and healthy baby- your dad and I can't get enough of you!

Daddy is already asking if I'm ready for another baby and all I have to say is NO! I'm not ready! I am too busy loving you and having the best time being your mom. I know your siblings will join our family eventually, but right now the gates of heaven aren't banging down my door. I have a hard time believing I'll be able to love another child as much as I love you. I figure it's just like loving your first baby- you can't imagine it until they are actually in front of you. I know a mother's love just grows but for now it's all you!

It's Spring Break for daddy's school and I took the week off too! So the next 6 days will just be family time and I can't wait!

I love you angel baby. Thanks for being my best buddy

xoxo
Mom

Hi Baby: An apology

Hi baby,

I told you to shut up today. I was driving and you were on minute 30 of crying for no apparent reason (even though there is always a reason! My guess? You were tired and there was nothing I could do to help you). I said, "Mckenzie- just shut up". You didn't hear me and kept crying. I said a quick prayer asking for forgiveness and patience.

I wish I could say that's the last time I tell you to shut up. I hope it will be. It just reminded me that even though I feel like completely different person than I was just six months ago- I am still human and I'm still impatient and I still make mistakes.

You will learn soon enough that I'm not perfect but I hope you will always give me the benefit of the doubt and know that everything I do is with you in mind, even when I do things wrong. Patience is the virtue I could use the most help with. You are helping me with it, and for that, I thank you.

So I'm sorry for telling you to shut up. I promise I gave you extra kisses when I took you out of the car. Thanks for not holding it against me and giving me the sweetest smile ever.

xoxo
mom

Flashback 6 months

Mckenzie is turning 6 months on Thursday (you better believe a post will be coming about that) but today I wanted to link back to the post I wrote to her when I was 6 months pregnant.

Hi Baby: 6 Months

At that time I labeled my pregnancy with one word: Peace. I would say that's how motherhood is feeling right now. Peaceful.

Hi Baby: 5 months

Hello my darling baby,

You are 5 months old today! I can't believe that only 5 months have gone by since I found out you were joining our family THAT NIGHT. I still remember how miserable I was feeling having contractions and being super preggo. I had no idea what was in store for me. I had no idea what your cute face was going to look like or that you would have big beautiful blue eyes and CHEEKS!! I didn't realize that those first several weeks would be the hardest of my life and the several weeks after would be the absolute best. I didn't know you would bring me such absolute joy and purpose. I didn't realize what kind of happiness was waiting for me.

Now I get to enjoy every inch of you every day. I get to squish those cheeks you still have and look into those still big beautiful blue eyes. We snuggle and laugh and play all day long. You started rolling from you back to your tummy a few weeks ago and now roll over 50% of the time. You end up on your tummy and then start moving around in a circle. You are discovering new parts of your body and what you are capable every day and I love watching you learn.

You love to just watch everything. You are the most focused baby I've ever met. You will look around for several minutes just taking everything in. I try not to disrupt you if you're staring off into la la land- I want you to grow up and day dream whenever your little heart desires!

You aren't sitting up on your own, but you love to be in the sitting position. You can do crunches better than me at this point when you're trying to get up a little bit more. I think you will be sitting "early" because of how much you prefer that angle.

I think you have dumped your binki! It's so crazy for me. We use to have to make sure there was a binki in every room and every pocket but you've rejected it for your thumb. I should probably care a little more that you are sucking your thumb now- but it makes you happy! and of course it's a little easier on mama to not have to put it back in your mouth when it falls out.

My most favorite thing about you right now is your baby chatter. 70% of your wake time is spent talking/yelling/squealing and it's the cutest thing ever. I can hear you talking to your daddy when I'm upstairs trying to get work done and it's the best distraction I've ever had. You have the sweetest voice and when you squeal and laugh and smile at us our hearts melt all over again. You have the funniest little smirk that reminds me of your cousin Ameri and makes me smile every time.

You sleep 12 hours at night and take great naps. Now that you're sleeping 12 hours at night I don't really care what your days look like- but you are still going strong with 3 naps a day. You are like your mom and dad and love your sleep! It pretty much makes you an angel baby that every mom wishes existed. You are a great self-soother and even when you wake up at night you stay quiet and fall back asleep on your own. You play in your crib until we come get you in the mornings and I find you laying there with your thumb and a smile waiting for me.

You aren't eating too much solid food. I am going to spare you the process of purred food via spoon and just let you start eating "real people" food when you are old enough. It seems much more my parenting style and let's be honest- pears just aren't made to be eaten that way! Your drool production seems to have doubled this past month and I think I feel a little tooth starting to make its way into this world. You aren't super fussy about it (yet) but you are gnawing on everything you can get your chubby hands on

You are the happiest baby. You are definitely getting more opinionated and loud when you don't like something, but it's pretty easy to sooth you and get you happy again. You hate getting your boogers suctioned out and I think you're going to have a complex someday because we have to do it multiple times a day. You have never been sick thank goodness, you just always seem to have a stuffy nose! You don't like trying to poop and your poop face makes daddy and I laugh out loud every time. TMI? Well it's freakin' hilarious and worth mentioning. You still love bath time and getting your belly kissed when I'm changing your diaper.

I could write on and on about you and your life right now. I love this stage so much!! I can't put into words how much I love being around you and love being your mom. Your smile and cheeks light up my world.

Stay strong sweet girl

xoxo
Mom

Hi Baby: Christmas List

Hi baby,

Your daddy shared this LINK with me a few weeks ago. A list of things a 25 year old single girl wants for Christmas.

Reading this list makes me really happy that my life has more meaning than the objects and desires this girl lists off. It also makes me hope that one day you have bigger dreams than having a big butt or 'likes' on Instagram.

Don't you know your life is meant for so much more? It's meant for big things baby girl. Big things. You can do whatever you dream of doing. You can have a Christmas list filled with travel plans and life goals worth accomplishing. You can dare to have better things than Beyonce's thighs or a week where calories don't matter. Your thighs (chubby now and perfect forever) aren't worth wasting a wish over and if you're going to eat the calories you might as well enjoy them.

I hope your Christmas list involves other people and has more substance than losing weight and getting a tan. I hope you want to come see your mom for your favorite meal or call your grandma without it feeling like a chore. I hope by 25 you can see what really matters in life. I'm not saying you have to be all grown up with a white picket fence and toddlers, but by 25 I hope your self centered days are over, and you realize just how fortunate you are for the life you are living.

I want you to have wishes and dreams and goals that are pages long: I just really hope it doesn't include sex fantasies, wants for a different body and dreams of being lazy and getting everything while doing nothing.

xoxo
Mom