Out of sight. In my heart

I hope I can put into words how I was feeling today!

This morning we stopped by the park. Two boys came over (around 8 and 6ish) and Kenzie started playing with them. They were all playing so well at the playground and eventually their games took them away from the playground and toward the walking trail behind it. Soon she was out of my sight. I could still hear them every once in a while. But I couldn't see her. I realized it was my first time ever that she was playing away from me and I couldn't see or hear her at all. Not only that, but she was even playing with complete stranger kids. This was a whole new experience for me. As I sat in the grass with Cooper my mind was racing. 

Should I go check on her? But it's good for her to feel safe and independent while she plays. I don't want her to see me and think she needs to be checked on as she plays. 

There's really nothing dangerous over there. But what if something happens- will I be able to hear it? What if she wanders off and gets lost? 

The boys are playing with her and being really attentive. But what if they get bored with her and run off? Or do something physical that she can't yet but wants to? (Climb walls, scale the hill, etc). 

On and on and on. 

I'm not a helicopter mother. I don't mind them (you do your thing mama) but that's not how I am. And sometimes I think free range parent's are seen as taking an easy route. Look at that mom sitting on the grass in the cool shade instead of going down the hill and following her daughter in the sun. 

But you know what? My heart and brain were ON FIRE as I was letting her be a kid. I was a hot mess inside while she was out of my view. But I believe it's important for kids to be able to play semi-unsupervised with other kids. Even at age 3. And because I believe that, I stayed on the grass with my baby. It wasn't easy. No parenting style is easy. And maybe there are moms out there that don't blink an eye when their kids aren't in their view. Maybe I was a hot mess because she's my first, and I can't believe she's old enough! Maybe it's my anxiety that gets triggered and I go to all those bad scenarios in my head. Maybe I'll send Cooper out the door without a second thought. Or maybe not. 

But either way, I was really happy when the games were over and we could go home. 

Hi Baby: Happy 3rd Birthday

Happy birthday my sweet baby girl.

 I know every mom says this on every birthday- but I can't believe you're already 3! Today after your nap you cuddled with me for a full 15 minutes. And while that might not seem that long to some, for you and your world with big, explosive feelings and energy- it felt like forever. And it was just what this mommy needed. Your sweet soft skin clutching onto that stupid old puppy and still fitting your head right where it needs to be. It was the best 15 minutes I've had this week. You can tell everyone your birthday is "August 5th!" and when asked what you want for your birthday you immediately yell "CAKE!" and then a notch quieter yell "AND POPPY AND NANA AND JAKE". You're an easy girl to please.

I remember August 5th 2014 and being told you were coming TONIGHT, not in 3 days like we thought. I was in labor but your stubborn body was breach which meant we had to do things a little differently. But you came out perfect at 6PM and I've been enamored by you ever since. You have made me a better person. You have shown me my purpose here on Earth. Being your mom is the most satisfying and fulfilling thing I have ever done. Not a day goes by that I don't thank my Heavenly Father for trusting me to be your mom. I pray that I can raise you and love you and mother you in the ways that will help you grow and succeed and flourish. I never want to be the person that dulls your sparkle or rains on your crazy little person parade.

 I've learned to give you space and independence and you're thriving. You have such amazing control over your body and strength. You're such a physical person and I love watching you experiment and test your body's limits. You're starting to draw and I'm pretty impressed by you. You can draw circles and faces and lines that are "mom and daddy and Booger and Kenzie!" You love to use your scissors and still aren't super into toys. You still yell "I'LL HELP YOU!" and proceed to drag a kitchen chair over to the counter to help me cook. You get frustrated, but can be talked down pretty quickly. You throw tantrums, but only when you're tired. You love to watch movies/TV and we usually watch a show in the evening to help you calm down a little bit. You're starting to become sweeter and nicer to Cooper and you two actually played together for 20 MINUTES and I thought I died and went to Heaven.

You're smart, sassy, funny and quick. You ask questions when you don't understand something. You repeat until you totally comprehend what I'm saying. You love making new friends and can play for hours with others. You also sometimes like to act like a "little baby" and need to be held and I don't mind it one bit. You're starting to test bedtime and try to pull the "I need a drink. I'm hungry. I want dad to sing me a song" but I'm still winning that game...for now.

I don't know how to express my love for you. And this last year has been so much FUN. I've loved being able to talk and communicate. I love your funny sayings and demeanor. You make me smile and laugh every day, and I try to make you laugh every day too. You're my best girl. I say a silent prayer every day that we can always be best friends. I hope as I write you something on your 13th birthday I can say that same thing. But for now, I will soak up every sweet moment with my little 3 year old. I love you Kenzie girl.

xoxo
Mom

A little life update

I thought it might be time for a little Bowen family update. Mostly because I'm sitting at the computer and finally have some time and motivation to write something- but a particular topic doesn't come to mind.

We're all settled into our apartment in Herriman and it's totally great for us. A little more space, but all on one level and it's starting to feel like a new home. I feel like we're pretty adaptable and since nothing else in our lives changed, the move actually didn't end up feeling like that big of one. I miss my friends and neighbors, but I know I will make new friends and have new neighbors. We've already met a few and I look forward to getting to know more people as time goes on.

Football season has officially begun and Bart is pouring his heart and soul into the Cottonwood HS team. It's overwhelming and exhausting but also exciting and it's going to be a good year. Kenzie already walks around the school and field like she owns the place, so I don't see us having any problems adjusting.

Cooper seems to be crying more than smiling these days, but I remember reading that same sentiment about Kenzie around the same time frame so I just have to remind myself it's a stage! And his big smile still comes out on a regular basis, so he knows how to melt my mama heart. He's pulling himself up and even starting to stand on his own for a second or two at a time...we'll see how long it takes him to figure out that walking is an option. He's a fun loving little boy and I'm still his favorite. But Kenzie and Bart can get him pretty happy and excited too, so it might be a tie for second place favorites.

Kenzie never ceases to amaze me and I love just being around her (most of the time). She's so dang smart and the stuff that comes out of her mouth makes me laugh. Today she started saying "what the heck are you doing mom". I don't think "what the heck" is a catch phrase of mine...but I'm sure she heard it somewhere. She did start saying "that happens" after an accident (spilled drink, broken something, etc) and I know she got THAT from me. That one made me laugh pretty hard hearing it for the first time.

In general I've really loved having two kids. They both just add something totally unique to the family dynamic and it's a perfect fit.

That's all I have for now- but like I said, football season has started so this single mother and lonely lady will have plenty of time at night to write away all her feelings while her husband abandons her for a group of teenage boys. Don't worry- I'm making him take me on a vacation at the end to make up for it!

2 Cents: Not every mom is tired

I was reading THIS article this morning and it just got me all sorts of riled up with opinions. They might not be popular opinions, but here they are.

First, I don't agree that every mom is exhausted. I have a 3 year old and an 8 month old and I'm not exhausted. I'm not even tired. Does that make me a bad mom? I don't think so.

There are definitely times I have been exhausted. That newborn stage for 3+ months- I'm a crazy person two steps away from killing over because I'm so tired. After a night with a sick baby, I'm exhausted. But after my newborn gets a little older- I wouldn't say "tired' is on the description list of my life. But this article makes it sound like all moms are tired all the time. And why is that? Because they need some "me time". And since that "me time" doesn't come until after the kids go to bed- that must be why everyone is so perpetually exhausted all the time.

What?!?

Are you all of a sudden incapable of going to sleep? Can your body physically not close its eyes unless you have browsed the internet for 3 hours? Is someone standing over you with a bright light and loud music telling you you're not allowed to go to sleep yet? I didn't think so.

If you're really THAT tired after the kids go to bed....GO TO BED YOURSELF. It's this crazy thing called going to bed early. Without watching TV or playing on your phone. Don't want to go to bed yet because this is the only free minute you've had to yourself all day? fine. But don't complain or be confused as to why you're always tired. You're tired because you are choosing to stay awake instead of go to sleep. End of the story.

My kids wake up really early. Like- 6AM is our typical day and all this week they've actually been waking up around 5/5:30AM. And while I wasn't the happiest about it- it wasn't the end of the world. But after three days of really early mornings and no time for mommy rest, guess what? I crawled into bed at 8:30PM and went to sleep. I didn't catch up on any TV shows. I didn't chat with friends online. I chose to go to sleep early because I WAS TIRED. And guess what? When I woke up the next day at 6AM....I wasn't tired anymore. Weird how that works.

If this article was titled something different I probably wouldn't be so annoyed by it. Because I absolutely agree that at the end of the day it's amazing to have a few minutes to yourself. To not have to get up and get someone a snack. Or to share your own snack. Or to watch something that doesn't have a catchy theme song. I personally like to unwind and spend 30 minutes scrolling through Instagram and watching the IG stories. Or I'll take a bath, write, watch TV with Bart, etc. And yes, that only happens after the kids go to bed. But if I'm exhausted, or if I've had a really emotionally draining day- I actually choose to take care of myself and give me "me time" by going to bed and getting some sleep. It's OK to give yourself permission to be in bed by 9PM. You're not a loser. You aren't wasting your life away. You're taking care of yourself. And if you feel like you're "always tired" and your kids are sleeping just fine- then maybe it's time to reevaluate the priorities you have at night- and go to bed early once in a while.

*The article on Babble isn't talking about moms whose kids are still waking up every few hours. And neither am I. That's a whole other hell world and I'm not talking about that situation here.*

Cooper 8 Months

My sweet baby boy is growing up so fast! He got 2 teeth and learned to crawl this month. He is trying to pull himself up on everything but hasn't quite gotten strong enough yet.  He's been grouchy and fussy most of the time but has been a bit better since learning how to access his toys or move a little closer to mom. He is a total mama's boy and usually doesn't whine for anyone else but me. If I'm not holding him he's not super happy. But I love his snuggles and don't mind it most of the time 

He loves to talk and make noises and blow raspberries. He isn't saying mama or dada yet but definitely loves both of us and gets the biggest smile when he sees me or Bart. Be pretty much with flash a big fat grin at anyone who smiles at him it's darling. 

He loves food! Will eat anything and everything. I haven't been awesome at keeping food around that he can just pick at (blueberries, finger foods, etc) so I don't have him eating as much as Kenzie did (she was always in her high chair having a snack) but when he does eat with us he'll eat just as big of a serving as Kenzie and loves all varieties and textures. 

He's been harder for me to figure out when it comes to naps and nighttime but he'll sleep thru the night and try to wake up around 5-5:30 but I just leave him in bed until we get up at 6 and I'm hoping eventually he will catch on! He seems to every few days. He loves his binki and his thumb but really doesn't use either until he gets tired. I don't have a special blanket or stuffed animal for him (mostly because Mckenzie just steals anything and calls it hers). 

He loves playing with toys, especially if they make sounds. But he is non-stop entertained by his sister and other people and can go hours without a nap if there are enough people to watch. 

He's much more sensitive and snugly and can get overwhelmed and just need to be held and loved on. He still hates loud noises but doesn't cry as often when something startles him. He giggles and laughs pretty easily and has a hilarious chuckle that sounds like a goat that he will just randomly do when he's excited about something. 

This past month has been a little more draining but he's learning and growing so much I don't blame him! I love my little man and can't believe how quickly things happen with the second child! Instead of me waiting around wondering "when will he do this" I just look one day and he's starting a whole new skill or behavior. 

It's no secret I'm obsessed with my little dude! 

Little people big feelings

As I crawl into bed after a LONG day with the kids I can't help but think of their little perspective. 

Cooper is cutting another tooth. His second in as many weeks. I can't imagine how bad that must hurt to be growing a bone up into your mouth. Ouch! I remember when Kenzie was teething I wondered WHY? Why do babies have to go through that pain? I don't have an answer. But thinking about it that way- how painful it must be- has helped me be more patient with the teething process. If I was in constant pain I would want to be held ALL DAY too. I would be irritable and grouchy and I for sure wouldn't want my 2 year old sister all up in my grill (no pun intended ;) 

And then there is my big small old baby girl who will be 3 in two months (cue all the crying emojis). She woke up crying and didn't really stop today. And all I could think of as I was driving her to the babysitter's this morning as she screamed and cried the full 15 minutes was how hard it must be for her to have those big huge emotions and not understand what they are or how to deal. I freaking don't know how to deal and I'm 27 years old. So I just let her cry. I didn't get impatient and tell her to stop. I tried talking her off the ledge (because she does like that kind of communication) but she wasn't having it today. She just needed to let it all out. I get it. Sometimes my pillow ends up soaking wet too. 

And then after a dramatic and traumatic experience at the pool where I had her wear a puddle jumper (cue another 20 minutes screaming crying fit) we went home and proceeded to do nothing but watch movies naked (well SHE got to be naked) because I get it. Sometimes all I want to do is curl up on the couch and eat some of my feelings and not wear pants. 

And as I was tucking her in bed tonight she gladly snuggled her puppy and went right to sleep. Because sometimes we just need to sleep off our bad days. 

My little kids are humans too. Perfect imperfect humans that have real big powerful feelings. And I'm just glad I could see it that way today. And I'm glad for bedtime because....these days are exhausting for mom too :)

Hi baby: Mother's Day

To my sweet babies,

It's mother's day and I feel so thankful for you. Without you, I wouldn't be a mother. And being a mother has become my greatest joy. You two fill me with such heavenly love and happiness. Your dad and I are amazed by you every night as we climb into bed. We talk about you both, wonder at you. Mckenzie, you are the best person in the whole world. We love watching you grow up and learn and talk. You make us laugh and shake our heads and we are so proud of you. You're a beautiful little girl who is so kind and thoughtful and loving. You're spicy and feisty and full of life. Cooper! You make my world go 'round. You bring a feeling of peace to whoever is around you. You have a charming smile and when you raise those eyebrows- hearts melt. You are growing so fast and my mommy heart can't take it! You make me so happy. 

So while people tell me "happy mother's day" today, I want to tell YOU, thank you for being mine. Thank you for forgiving me and loving me. Thank you for being patient as I learn how to teach, love and raise you. 

I love you with every bone in my body

xoxo

Mom

Cooper 6 Months

Umm...when did this happen?? Cooper baby boy is 6 months old and I may or may not have cried about it. It's so funny how with Mckenzie I couldn't wait until the next milestone. I was always thinking "when will she do ___". It was fun and exciting to watch her master a new skill! And now with Cooper...it's like I haven't been able to stalk him as much so he learns something new and I don't want to believe it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a really hot mess when his birthday rolls around.

We just had his well check and he's weighing 17lbs 12oz. He's in the 50% for weight and 30% for height (even though I think the nurse didn't totally measure him accurately). So even though he was born 97% in weight, he has evened out to be an averaged sized baby. He's so strong and is sitting up like a champ and rolls from back to front. He shows no interest in rolling the other way so he's not mobile at this point. He smiles allllll day. His pediatrician said he's the happiest baby he's ever seen! Will totally just look you in the eyes and smile. He loves physical touch and I love cuddling with him. He's a great sleeper and is down to 2 naps a day. He is obsessed with food. If anyone is eating his whole body wiggles until he gets something in his mouth. He's basically eaten everything. I prefer Baby Led Weaning so he's been enjoying the food we do. I've been making these banana oatmeal muffins and both the kids eat the whole batch within a day.

Cooper loves Mckenzie and gets so excited when she is willing to play with him nicely. She will now read him books or have a tea party with him and he is in heaven. She can still be rough sometimes, but the bigger he gets, the better he can handle himself. Toys entertain him more than they ever did with Kenzie and I can put him in the pack-n-play with a pile of toys and he's set for up to a half hour playing. He loves his binki during the day, but is using his thumb still for naps and nighttime.

I always want to remember his big gummy grin and how much peace he brings into my life.

Also- look at this picture with both babies at 6 months! All the heart eyes for these two

12 Weeks of Mommy Glory

I'd like to say maternity leave has been filled with only wonderful moments where my children were happy 100% of the time and I lost all the baby weight and really "found" myself and learned yoga and 50 new paleo recipes. I'd like to say I made breakfast lunch and dinner every day and my house stayed clean and my kids didn't wear the same clothes 2 days in a row. Id like to say I really embraced craft time and we celebrated each holiday with special activities. I'd like to say we spent our days outside riding scooters and feeding ducks and having picnics. But it was like 20 degrees the entire time and sometimes it was just easier to let Kenzie find a snack in the pantry than make lunch and not fight her to change her 2 day old shirt. And sometimes craft time only lasted 5 minutes because one cotton ball snowman is enough and playing with scissors is more fun anyway. And sometimes when my kids were both asleep and I had a chance to exercise I chose to lay down on the couch and binge watch Gilmore Girls because the theme song to Daniel the Tiger and Super Why was keeping me up at night. 

The last 12 weeks I have only showered every several days and worn makeup even less. I've eaten candy for breakfast and skipped countless lunches. I've slept and not slept and cried a lot. I've missed my husband and my job and my friends and my sense of "normal". We have gone to the library like every other day because it's inside and not our house and it kills 1-2hrs of our day. Grocery shopping became something we did more because we were bored and less because we needed actual groceries. Sometimes I even just loaded up the kids and drove around because all Mckenzie wanted to do was whine and try to kill her brother and keeping her buckled up and away from my view is only approved when you're in the car. 

Mckenzie embraced 3 hour naps every day and that was my alone time with Cooper and the reason she is still alive and I still have some of my sanity. We spent our mornings waking up at 6am and waiting until 10 because nothing opens until 10 except Target. Thank goodness for Target. We watched a lot of TV. We learned that "grown ups come back" and azul is blue in Spanish and that Curious George always gets into trouble. We watched Angry Birds on repeat and got through the scary parts of Beauty and the Beast until they weren't so scary anymore. I repeat: we watched a lot of TV. 

I watched my baby boy find his hands and his smile and learn how to laugh and sleep on his own. I watched my big girl learn to take deep breaths when she is frustrated and to play soft with her brother. I've learned to take deep breaths too and realize I CAN make the choice not to yell. I learned how beautiful time with a new baby can be when you aren't also dealing with post partum depression. I learned that I am a good mom EVERY DAY because I love them and am doing my best to teach them and all those nasty thoughts in my head about not being good enough aren't truth. 

Am I ready to go back to work? Yes. Have I loved my 12 weeks spent in all its mommy glory? Yes. 

Hi baby: sleepy love

Hi my sweet baby boy,

It's 6am and we've been cuddling since 4:30. While your sleeping has improved, it's still not sleeping through the night and let's be honest- that's really the only milestone worth celebrating when it comes to sleep. For now you go down for bed around 7pm, wake to eat around 1-2am and then it's a wild card until we get up for the day at 6am. Sometimes you just need your binki around 3, but usually it's your "witching hour" and you don't sleep very peacefully. I know it will get better and I'm trying to be patient. Your daddy helps me so I'm getting about 6 good hours of sleep and that helps keep me sane. 

I think the hardest part this time around is you not having your own room. Right now you're out in the landing in between the two bedrooms which means every time you start yelling at night I'm worried you will wake your sister so you get way more attention than she did! Sometimes you get put in my walk-in closet because that's the best place to keep noise away from you, and potential crying in the middle of the night away from her. I've even had the thought of turning our pantry downstairs into your temporary space. Don't judge me- I'm sleep deprived. 

You two will share a room eventually- I just have no idea when that will be. Your sister is still in her crib, and I'm in no rush to get her out (but I think she's going to realize she can climb out any day now) and I'm worried at this point she would crawl into your crib and smother you if you 2 shared a space...so for now you're in the hall and getting spoiled at night. You're welcome. 

You starting smiling and cooing last week and it just melts my heart! I really love it when my babies start interacting and even though I'm trying to not wish away time, I'm excited for you to grow and develop. Your sister was such a fun baby to be around and I loved watching her learn and grow. I am looking forward to doing that with you. 

We just finished Christmas weekend and I loved having you be a part of all the festivities. Having 2 kids has just become our new normal and while it's overwhelming a lot of the time, it feels natural and I'm really glad you're here! Your sister seems to have adjusted to you and still loves you really hard. Don't worry, your dad and I are keeping you alive. 

I don't get very much one-on-one time with you to just chat and play and stare at you. I miss it, and know that's just a luxury I can't really expect anymore- but I love you just as much as your crazy goofy sister and I'm so happy I get 5 more weeks of you and Kenzie before going back to work. 

I love you handsome boy, stay strong and keep growing

Xoxo

Mom

Cooper 1 Month

I was reading through Kenzie's monthly updates and I love remembering it, so I'm going to do my best at updating Cooper too.  I have a hard time blogging at all since my hands are full all day long, and I'm not in the mood in the middle of the night. 

I am the living example of "no 2 kids are the same" and it's been that way since day 1. Kenzie wasn't a sleepy newborn. Cooper was. Cooper could be held all day and night to sleep. Kenzie had to be put down &; didn't like to cuddle. Kenzie wasn't an awesome napper, but dominated night sleep. Cooper rocks his naps but totally sucks at night. Kenzie was an awesome eater and chugged her bottle & ate consistent amounts. I have wasted so much formula with Cooper because he eats random amounts. He has tummy issues, she never did. She loved to sit in her baby chair and chill, he really just wants to be held and loved on & cries if you put him down for more than a few minutes. 

Are you catching my drift here?? 

But he's also so sweet. I love that he loves to cuddle (most of the time). And I really love him. Yesterday was a really hard day. At the end of it I said out loud "I hate my life right now" and as I was holding Cooper when he wouldn't sleep I said I hate that you can't sleep well at night. I hate how tired I am. I hate how stressed and overwhelmed I feel. I hate cleaning my house. I hate my house (mostly because I'm stuck in it all day) And I hate this day. But I really really really love you. And I think that sums up motherhood really well- don't you? We do things every single day we don't like, or things that don't seem important but seem SO redundant and we do them all for the people we love the most. My love for my son doesn't go away just because his witching hour is from 2-6am. My love for that day doesn't exists, but my love for him stays. And thank goodness for that! 

As much as I love him, I can't wait for the night that he sleeps on a predicable schedule and maybe longer than 3 hours at a time 😬 I think the thing keeping me sane is knowing that eventually he will sleep. I don't know when, and it isn't looking like it will be as soon as his sister did, but I know one day he will. Even if I have to wait until he's old enough to let him cry and figure it out himself 👍🏻 

Moving forward one baby at a time

It has been a wild 2 weeks! I've had every emotion in the book, but I haven't cried for 3 whole days which is a pretty huge accomplishment!

 While having a newborn feels easier the second time around, having 2 kids is anything but easy. I would still consider Mckenzie my bigger struggle right now than Cooper. She's acting out and having a hard time adjusting to her new brother. She loves him, but doesn't like me very much these days. I text Bart last week after a particularly hard morning saying "I miss our old life!"  Kenzie and I were best buddies and we had a routine down and a system that worked and we had mostly good days. And now...we don't. It's been hard for me to see her struggle so much and be so frustrated and I feel guilty for causing all of that for her. I can only hope that as time goes on she will adjust and get back to liking me and our life again! 

Progression in life has really been on my mind this week as I think about how hard it's been to add a new member to our family. We're here on Earth to progress and become better. And we do that by going through hard things. Bart and I could have never had kids. We could have stayed comfortable, but we were ready for something more. And Kenzie has brought us so much love. Our marriage is better and stronger because we chose to have children together. It was hard, but it made our life better. And now, round 2 is teaching me that again. We were a very happy family of 3. We were a very comfortable family of 3. But we knew it was time for another change and another step forward. I know God is smiling down on me and Bart and is proud of us for not staying comfortable. For not keeping our lives in one place. For progressing and moving forward. I know after this "hard thing" I will be a better mother and a better person. 

I'm so happy to have a healthy baby boy in my arms (even if it is for most of the night because he sucks at sleeping on his own 😉). I'm happy for my frustrated and beautiful daughter who brings me so much joy & not-joy in the same day. They are making me a better person every day. They make my marriage and testimony in my Savior stronger every day. They fill my heart with gratitude and love every day. 

I have bags under my eyes. A disgusting kitchen floor. A toddler who is having a really hard time, and a new baby who wakes up every 2 hours. I also have an amazing husband who helps and serves me with all his love.  Family, friends and neighbors who take time out of their life to help me and love on my babies & a loving Heavenly Father who hears my constant prayers and gives me the peace of mind that everything will be okay, and the energy to get through another day. 

Hi baby: Our First Week

Hi baby 

You've been with us for 7 days now and it's been a surreal experience for me. When your sister was born I suffered from Postpartum Depression. It wasn't her fault. It wasn't mine. But I had it, and it made those first 8 weeks really hard. I'm only now realizing just how bad off I was because now I have something to compare it to. My mental health is 100% better this time and it has made a world of difference. I can sleep. I want to hold you. I'm okay with other people holding you.  I'm not consistently crying. My brain isn't going 49765 miles a minute. I'm not obsessing about your eating and sleeping habits. I'm just my typical self with a newborn. Not a crazy person. 

Even now at 3:15am I am happily snuggling you during your witching hour. 

It has still been a rough few days. Recovering from surgery means I'm in constant pain and my movement is limited. I wish I could just curl up with you in bed but I have to be carefully situated in a chair. I can't really walk around while holding you just yet, and laying down to take a nap is sometimes not worth the effort. It's getting better every day, so I know this is only a phase. 

Not to mention the challenge with your sister. I get emotional just thinking of her. She is so sweet to you, but you can tell her little world no longer feels like her own. She all of a sudden seems 3 levels louder and I can't tell if I'm not noticing her volume more now, or if she has taken it up a notch. I think it's a combination of both. 

You are what I'm assuming is a "typical" newborn that sleeps pretty much all day. Your sister never did that, so your dad and I look at each other like "oh! That's what people mean when they say newborns eat sleep and poop". You're a hungry hungry hippo which is to be expected when you weigh as much as most 1+ month olds. You get angry instead of sad when something isn't going your way. If we're taking too long to feed you, or you're getting your diaper changed- you scream pretty hard pretty quickly. You also don't like being moved when you're comfy and sleeping. You have the funniest little scowl that's on your face whenever you're awake & you look just like your daddy when you do it. You also look just like your big sister when she was a newborn and it totally trips me out sometimes. Especially at the hospital, I could have sworn I had Mckenzie in my arms again. 

Daddy took the whole week off work and it's been the biggest blessing having him home! He can watch you while I am with Mckenzie, or he takes Kenzie outside and plays while you take a nap. He is much less afraid of the newborn baby phase and loves to play with you. He's so happy there is another boy in the house and I know you 2 will become best buddies. Having him home to help this week has really meant a lot to me, and I know he's he biggest reason I am feeling so good/positive. We'll see how next week goes when life gets back to "normal". 

All in all, I would say this first week with you has been a success. Am I tired? Yes, but not completely exhausted (yet). I've cried over weird things and none of my clothes fit or work with my healing incision (yet). I don't know how to relax and parent my struggling toddler and help her see that we still love her just as much. But we will figure it out together. My beautiful family of 4. 

I love you Coop, and I'm so happy you're here, healthy and mine. 

Xoxo

Mom 

Hi Baby: A little update

Hi baby,

Am I still allowed to call you that after 2+ years and weeks away from having another one? I can't imagine calling you anything else!

I haven't written anything to you for so long because life has just been busy and typical and every time I sit down to write something, I have nothing to say. But the last 2 weeks have been so much fun with you. The month of September was a solid 3 weeks of hell and as always, after a hard phase comes a wonderful phase. You're goofy, energetic, smart and adorable. You are chatty and I speak fluent Mckenzie so we talk all day. I have figured out how to communicate with you to avoid meltdowns and you are becoming more patient every day.

You LOVE to dress yourself now that you have figured out how to do it. I moved all your clothes to the bottom dresser drawers so you're able to access everything. You usually change at least once a day. And if I get you dressed, you eventually find something else to wear and say "better!". You have a lot of cute outfits...but no one really sees them. And I guess that's OK.

We're spending a lot of time outside now that the weather has cooled down. You love to ride your scooter for about 20 minutes and then you get tired and just stick to what you know- running! Whenever you start you yell "running!" and it's so funny. I love your energy and passion for life- it brings a smile to my face every time. When you fall down you usually say "I'm OK mom" and keep going. Sometimes you need me to kiss it better, and then keep going. You're a very compassionate little girl and if I seem upset or hurt you come over to make sure I'm OK too and usually give my boo-boo a kiss. Your phrases like "ok mom!" and "thanks mom!" melt my heart.

You love to go to daddy's football games and are obsessed with their cougar mascot. I usually get you a ring pop and it distracts you for almost the entire first half. You clap, cheer and yell right along with the crowd and it's been so fun to have you with me this football season. You've missed your dad a lot, which is why you were having such a hard month in September, but you're getting better and I know next month you'll be so happy when dad is back home more often.

Your brother is going to be here so soon! And I'm a little nervous about how you're going to react. I know you're going to love him, but I also don't know how you're going to feel about having to share mom and dad. I'm really looking forward to getting 12 weeks off work, and it's mostly because that means I get 3 full months with you! I haven't had that since you were a newborn baby, and I can't wait to be home with you and your brother all day every day. I know it's going to be hard, but since I'm a "working mom" I am going to take full advantage of the chance to be with you 2 and not work for a while.

I have been thinking of getting rid of this blog, but then a memory pops up on FB and I get to read back on my life, before and after you got here, and I realize the memories I have written on here are priceless. Hopefully one day I can print them all out. I'm also assuming I'll be back to daily blogging once your brother gets here and I'm up all night. I had plenty to say at 3 a.m. when you were just a baby.

I love you little girl. I'm so proud of you and I genuinely love being your mom. You make me happy every single day.

xoxo
mom

2 Cents: Why Moms Should Wear Swimsuits to the Pool

Jessie talked about THIS ARTICLE on the show this week and I wanted to add my "2 cents"!

I've never been super comfortable in a swimsuit, even in high school- but I've made it a personal goal to always be willing to wear a swimsuit to the pool. It's not an issue right now, because I've been pretty happy with my body. But I don't know where I'll be in 5, 10, 15 years. But I always want to be in a swimsuit when my family is at the pool. I don't want to be the one sitting in the chair, not playing because I'm too insecure about my body. 

1. No one is judging us. They’re too focused on judging themselves.

I 100% agree with the idea that no one is really judging you at the pool- because they're too busy being insecure about themselves. And if they are judging how your body looks- who really cares? What will their opinion do to you? There was a mom at the pool last week wearing a 2 piece and she had the mommy, flabby tummy that was hanging over her bottoms. Yes I noticed, but I didn't care. At all! All of our bodies are so different. They're different when we are toddlers, teenagers, pregnant and mothers. And the more little girls and young women can see adult women's bodies, the more they will begin to understand what real women look like (and hopefully be able to embrace their own)

I really had an awesome moment on our trip to Mexico.http://meganbainum.blogspot.com/2015/12/mexican-beaches-and-fruity-beverages.html I wore a bikini all day every day for 6 days. And there was nothing more liberating and freeing. I was surrounded by people I didn't know- so it made it easier for me to not care what people thought. But not just that- I was surrounded by people of all body types, who were also wearing bikinis. Not shorts covering up their cottage cheese butts or shirts to cover up their soft tummies. By the end of the week I was 100% comfortable in my own skin- even after a week of fruity drinks and unlimited food!

2. It’s an excellent example for our kids.

Yes! Is my body "perfect"? No. Will it ever look "perfect" in a swimsuit? No. Will Mckenzie's body ever be "perfect"? No. But if she grows up seeing her mom in a swimsuit (and comfortable in it) then I would hope she will be able to be comfortable in one too. I also think it's important to not talk about being in a swimsuit. Just put it on and have a fun day. No need to point out how much of a favor you're doing for your kids by being in one. Every daughter grows up thinking her mom is beautiful- we shouldn't be the ones trying to convince them they're wrong about us. 

3. It doesn’t have to be a bikini. It can be a good ol’ fashioned belly-covering swimsuit.

Mexico made me embrace the 2 piece swim suit and bikini. I wore a bikini 6 months pregnant when we went to Lagoon and played at the pool last week. But I also have a 1 piece I really like (when it fits- it's not conducive to my growing belly). I think it's important to find a swimsuit you can be comfortable in. 

Just remember-  unless you're 15, no one really cares how you look.

Potty talk

If you're sick of hearing about potty training- too bad. It's the new sleep training in my life and it's all consuming! Also, my auto correct hates the word pee and hopefully it will get the message after this blog post to GET OVER IT. 

We're at the end of day 3 and my overall feeling is still optimistic. I read "Oh Crap! Potty Training" where the author says it's about the child going from 

clueless-> I peed-> I'm peeing-> I need to pee. 

On day one I never noticed Mckenzie at "clueless" the last few weeks she has been pointing at her diaper and saying poop! (Her word for poop and pee). She very quickly passed the "I peed" stage and went straight for "I'm peeing". 

We have been hovering around "I'm peeing" and "I need to pee" for the last 2 days. She either says poop! with enough time for us to get her to the potty, or she says poop! as she is starting to pee and then holds it as we're rushing her and finishes on the potty. 

Poop hasn't been an issue and she's never had an accident with poop. So there's a bright shining star- right? 

She has only had a few straight up accidents where she doesn't even attempt to make it to the potty. 95% of the time she is letting us know. It's just 40% of that time is a second too late. I know each day she will give more and more warning, and I know it's all connecting in her head. 

At the end of each day you can tell she is just exhausted and she's in bed at least 30 minutes earlier than normal- and I don't blame her. She is tackling an entire new way of doing something that for the past 2 years, has been the same. I don't think we give kids enough credit when it comes to realizing what we're asking of them. Whenever I get irritated or frustrated I try to remember that 4 days ago she wasn't doing any of this. And in that perspective, she is kicking some major butt. 

45 minute playtime

Ya know when you go to the grocery store hungry and emotional and buy $50 worth of stuff you wouldn't normally buy? Chips, ice cream (cashew butter ice cream is SO GOOD) gummy bears, chocolate, goldfish... No? That's just me? I doubt it. 

But after stuffing my face with whatever the H I wanted, I now just want to throw it all away. Nothing like a good emotional eat to get you back on track- right? 

Kenz and I had a good day today. She found a container of random baby items. Bottles, a rattle, a few bags, etc and it entertained her for 45 MINUTES! And I didn't have to get down and play with her. It was awesome. I stayed on the chair and just chatted with her as she played. It was like 60% playing independently which is more than she usually does these days. She's so funny and smart I could watch her for days. I was going to turn the TV on but stopped myself. Sometimes (most times) it's just good to be together in the same room without that stupid distraction. Curious George didn't even make it into our day until her 1 episode before dinner. I'm pretty proud of myself for that one. I can't promise it will happen again tomorrow, but at least it happened today. 

This week I'm really trying to focus on being a good example to her and being patient. I find myself saying "don't yell" in a too-loud of voice or grabbing her hand hard after she was just mean to me. I'm not perfect- but I'm trying every day to control my patience and temper with her. Luckily at the end of the day she always likes me and will snuggle and tell me she loves me. Little kids are just the best like that. 

Here are a few pics. Toward the end she wanted to take pictures of everything. Her Dog. Her bottle. Her blanket. I only aim to please as she yells CHEESE! 

Parades, candy and mom feels

We went to Mckenzie's first parade today down in Lehi. It was so fun! The weather was perfect. As the first band came down the street I watched her watch with her big beautiful blue eyes and I started crying. It was 80% pregnancy hormones and 20% mama feels. 

She danced to the music and even scored a few pieces of candy. Speaking of candy- can we talk about the ridiculousness of candy at parades? Kids are bringing their trick or treat bags out to the road. Is cute when they're 4. But past 8- maybe don't mow down the other kids to get to that ONE piece of taffy. And speaking of mowing down- a bully toddler boy kept shoving and pushing Mckenzie today and I was so irritated. I try not to intervene, but Mckenzie gets so confused when kids are mean to her. It's so sad to watch. So instead of kicking that kid to the middle of the street and watching him get run over by a horse and buggy, we moved spots and all was well. 

I've said it a million times, but I really love seeing her grow and experience new things. She will be 2 in six short weeks and every day is a wild card. 

We had a really fun day today, but the last hour before bed was spent in an emotional bubble screaming and crying. All I could do was hold her while she screamed and eventually calmed down. Let's just say she ended up in bed an hour early tonight. Sleepy toddlers are NOT angel babies. But that's why I love bedtime. Because there is a new day when everyone wakes up. 

Hi baby boy: 20 weeks

Hi my sweet baby boy,

I can't believe it's been more than 2 years since I wrote a 20-week note to your big sister. I remember being so consumed with pregnancy and the unknown. It's been different this time with you. I know more. I understand more. I'm at much more peace with everything. I also know we're only halfway there and this next half is going to drag on. And that's OK. I'm excited for you to join our family, but I'm also trying to enjoy every single second I have with your sister. So I can wait for your arrival. 

We had your anatomy check up this week and everything looks good. Your heart and brain are developing right on track and you are a whopping 12oz! I saw your belly and your tiny hands and feet. I don't feel you very often- yet. And I'm really excited for when you become part of my everyday. There's nothing like feeling a child move inside your belly- and I miss you when I don't feel you for a few days! But starting next week I'll be feeling you all day everyday. My favorite. 

I want you to know how excited your dad and I are about having you join our family. We love you already, and can't wait to see your personality. Will you be a crazy goofball like Mckenzie? Or will you be a mellow dude? Either way- you'll make the perfect addition to our family. 

So stay strong and keep growing my son, I love you. 

Xoxo 

Mom 

2 Cents: Don't Use the Word 'Fat' in Front of My Daughter

This was the article we talked about on GTU this morning and even though I'm not a Kardashian fan, I am a fan of this conversation.

Obviously living a healthy lifestyle is really important to me. Eating right and exercising is something Bart and I have created in our marriage and it's something I plan to teach my children. But Bart and I do not talk about Mckenzie's size in front of her. Every once in a while me or Bart will slip and say something like "my chubby baby is thinning out" or (especially when she was a little circle) "how's my chubby baby?", etc. Just a few months ago I asked Bart (not in front of her) "is Mckenzie chubby for her age?" (NO!). And each time one of us slip, the other is good about saying "don't say that". It's not the talking I'm against, it's the words we are using.

I think it's a natural fear for parents in my generation to be concerned about their child's size. Every other news health story is about how obese children are getting. And I think it makes us all nervous. Will my kid be one of them? Is it something I can control? The short answer, I believe, is yes, parents have almost complete control outside of genetics about their child's weight and health. But I don't think it's a conversation or worry we should be saying in front of our children.

The conversation we should be having with our kids is why we eat real food, and why you see mom and dad going to the gym and exercising every day. And when we do have that conversation with our child, it's not using the word fat.

Bart and I aren't perfect. Both of us have said something like "I feel fat" or "do I look fat?" in front of Mckenzie, and it's something we need to be better at. It's hard to remember there is now a little person hearing- and repeating- everything we say. Every child grows up thinking mom and dad are beautiful and powerful and perfect just the way they are. It's not until they start hearing their parents bash themselves, that they start to question what's "wrong".

So while I want to be open about body image, and talk to my girls about how to be healthy and happy, I won't be bashing my own body at the same time. I want to be an example of confidence and happiness. Because our bodies are amazing- no matter what size we are.

And now we'll end with a FB memory flash back from a year ago. Baby Kenz and her baby cousin Snow. xoxo