Moving forward one baby at a time

It has been a wild 2 weeks! I've had every emotion in the book, but I haven't cried for 3 whole days which is a pretty huge accomplishment!

 While having a newborn feels easier the second time around, having 2 kids is anything but easy. I would still consider Mckenzie my bigger struggle right now than Cooper. She's acting out and having a hard time adjusting to her new brother. She loves him, but doesn't like me very much these days. I text Bart last week after a particularly hard morning saying "I miss our old life!"  Kenzie and I were best buddies and we had a routine down and a system that worked and we had mostly good days. And now...we don't. It's been hard for me to see her struggle so much and be so frustrated and I feel guilty for causing all of that for her. I can only hope that as time goes on she will adjust and get back to liking me and our life again! 

Progression in life has really been on my mind this week as I think about how hard it's been to add a new member to our family. We're here on Earth to progress and become better. And we do that by going through hard things. Bart and I could have never had kids. We could have stayed comfortable, but we were ready for something more. And Kenzie has brought us so much love. Our marriage is better and stronger because we chose to have children together. It was hard, but it made our life better. And now, round 2 is teaching me that again. We were a very happy family of 3. We were a very comfortable family of 3. But we knew it was time for another change and another step forward. I know God is smiling down on me and Bart and is proud of us for not staying comfortable. For not keeping our lives in one place. For progressing and moving forward. I know after this "hard thing" I will be a better mother and a better person. 

I'm so happy to have a healthy baby boy in my arms (even if it is for most of the night because he sucks at sleeping on his own 😉). I'm happy for my frustrated and beautiful daughter who brings me so much joy & not-joy in the same day. They are making me a better person every day. They make my marriage and testimony in my Savior stronger every day. They fill my heart with gratitude and love every day. 

I have bags under my eyes. A disgusting kitchen floor. A toddler who is having a really hard time, and a new baby who wakes up every 2 hours. I also have an amazing husband who helps and serves me with all his love.  Family, friends and neighbors who take time out of their life to help me and love on my babies & a loving Heavenly Father who hears my constant prayers and gives me the peace of mind that everything will be okay, and the energy to get through another day. 

Hi baby: Our First Week

Hi baby 

You've been with us for 7 days now and it's been a surreal experience for me. When your sister was born I suffered from Postpartum Depression. It wasn't her fault. It wasn't mine. But I had it, and it made those first 8 weeks really hard. I'm only now realizing just how bad off I was because now I have something to compare it to. My mental health is 100% better this time and it has made a world of difference. I can sleep. I want to hold you. I'm okay with other people holding you.  I'm not consistently crying. My brain isn't going 49765 miles a minute. I'm not obsessing about your eating and sleeping habits. I'm just my typical self with a newborn. Not a crazy person. 

Even now at 3:15am I am happily snuggling you during your witching hour. 

It has still been a rough few days. Recovering from surgery means I'm in constant pain and my movement is limited. I wish I could just curl up with you in bed but I have to be carefully situated in a chair. I can't really walk around while holding you just yet, and laying down to take a nap is sometimes not worth the effort. It's getting better every day, so I know this is only a phase. 

Not to mention the challenge with your sister. I get emotional just thinking of her. She is so sweet to you, but you can tell her little world no longer feels like her own. She all of a sudden seems 3 levels louder and I can't tell if I'm not noticing her volume more now, or if she has taken it up a notch. I think it's a combination of both. 

You are what I'm assuming is a "typical" newborn that sleeps pretty much all day. Your sister never did that, so your dad and I look at each other like "oh! That's what people mean when they say newborns eat sleep and poop". You're a hungry hungry hippo which is to be expected when you weigh as much as most 1+ month olds. You get angry instead of sad when something isn't going your way. If we're taking too long to feed you, or you're getting your diaper changed- you scream pretty hard pretty quickly. You also don't like being moved when you're comfy and sleeping. You have the funniest little scowl that's on your face whenever you're awake & you look just like your daddy when you do it. You also look just like your big sister when she was a newborn and it totally trips me out sometimes. Especially at the hospital, I could have sworn I had Mckenzie in my arms again. 

Daddy took the whole week off work and it's been the biggest blessing having him home! He can watch you while I am with Mckenzie, or he takes Kenzie outside and plays while you take a nap. He is much less afraid of the newborn baby phase and loves to play with you. He's so happy there is another boy in the house and I know you 2 will become best buddies. Having him home to help this week has really meant a lot to me, and I know he's he biggest reason I am feeling so good/positive. We'll see how next week goes when life gets back to "normal". 

All in all, I would say this first week with you has been a success. Am I tired? Yes, but not completely exhausted (yet). I've cried over weird things and none of my clothes fit or work with my healing incision (yet). I don't know how to relax and parent my struggling toddler and help her see that we still love her just as much. But we will figure it out together. My beautiful family of 4. 

I love you Coop, and I'm so happy you're here, healthy and mine. 

Xoxo

Mom 

Painful cuddles

Back hurts

I have to pee 

Dry mouth 

Belly hurts 

Hungry 

But hey- my 2 year old woke up 30 min into her nap and needed me to hold her for the rest of it (which never happens. If I wasn't so uncomfortable I would be LOVING this cuddle sesh) 

And at least for a few more weeks, a tired toddler is the scariest thing in this house, so I will hold her for as long as she needs. Even if her baby brother is kicking the crap out of me and not happy about it :) 

I have a feeling this is what having 2 kids is going to look like most of the time: one of them won't be getting what they want/need and I will hardly ever be getting what I want/need. 

Can't wait!! 

But did I mention I'm cuddling my sweet baby girl?? So really, all is well. 

Hi Baby: A little update

Hi baby,

Am I still allowed to call you that after 2+ years and weeks away from having another one? I can't imagine calling you anything else!

I haven't written anything to you for so long because life has just been busy and typical and every time I sit down to write something, I have nothing to say. But the last 2 weeks have been so much fun with you. The month of September was a solid 3 weeks of hell and as always, after a hard phase comes a wonderful phase. You're goofy, energetic, smart and adorable. You are chatty and I speak fluent Mckenzie so we talk all day. I have figured out how to communicate with you to avoid meltdowns and you are becoming more patient every day.

You LOVE to dress yourself now that you have figured out how to do it. I moved all your clothes to the bottom dresser drawers so you're able to access everything. You usually change at least once a day. And if I get you dressed, you eventually find something else to wear and say "better!". You have a lot of cute outfits...but no one really sees them. And I guess that's OK.

We're spending a lot of time outside now that the weather has cooled down. You love to ride your scooter for about 20 minutes and then you get tired and just stick to what you know- running! Whenever you start you yell "running!" and it's so funny. I love your energy and passion for life- it brings a smile to my face every time. When you fall down you usually say "I'm OK mom" and keep going. Sometimes you need me to kiss it better, and then keep going. You're a very compassionate little girl and if I seem upset or hurt you come over to make sure I'm OK too and usually give my boo-boo a kiss. Your phrases like "ok mom!" and "thanks mom!" melt my heart.

You love to go to daddy's football games and are obsessed with their cougar mascot. I usually get you a ring pop and it distracts you for almost the entire first half. You clap, cheer and yell right along with the crowd and it's been so fun to have you with me this football season. You've missed your dad a lot, which is why you were having such a hard month in September, but you're getting better and I know next month you'll be so happy when dad is back home more often.

Your brother is going to be here so soon! And I'm a little nervous about how you're going to react. I know you're going to love him, but I also don't know how you're going to feel about having to share mom and dad. I'm really looking forward to getting 12 weeks off work, and it's mostly because that means I get 3 full months with you! I haven't had that since you were a newborn baby, and I can't wait to be home with you and your brother all day every day. I know it's going to be hard, but since I'm a "working mom" I am going to take full advantage of the chance to be with you 2 and not work for a while.

I have been thinking of getting rid of this blog, but then a memory pops up on FB and I get to read back on my life, before and after you got here, and I realize the memories I have written on here are priceless. Hopefully one day I can print them all out. I'm also assuming I'll be back to daily blogging once your brother gets here and I'm up all night. I had plenty to say at 3 a.m. when you were just a baby.

I love you little girl. I'm so proud of you and I genuinely love being your mom. You make me happy every single day.

xoxo
mom

3 coats of paint and 3am

I've been wide awake since 2:40 this morning. 

(This FB post explains it all:)

2:40AM 

 

2yo *wakes up crying and screaming

Mom *goes into check

2yo *has foot straight up in the air and is crying "boo boo!" 

Mom *kisses top of foot

2yo * immediately passes out 

Mom *wide awake for rest of night 

🙄😫 

I tossed and turned in bed for about an hour, and then I came downstairs to put another coat on the dresser drawers I'm repainting. The stuff claimed it only takes 2 coats. I'm on coat 3 and it will need HOPEFULLY just 1 more. 

The struggle is real when it comes to anything crafty. Last night in bed I was complaining to Bart saying "it's supposed to be fool proof! Anyone can do it!" And he said

"Ya know a box of gloves used to say One Size Fits All...and then they changed it to One Size Fits Most....?"

So...apparently the "One Size" doesn't fit my craft-challenged hands. *sigh*

Also- side note. If you try to pour paint out of the can into a tray at 3:45am you'll probably spill a little...or a lot. 😇

You probably don't know this- but I used to suffer from pretty bad insomnia. It hit its peak in college. After I got married it got better, and when I was treated for Hashimotos it almost completely went away. 

And then I had a baby and my post-partum depression made it so I couldn't sleep at night, even when my baby was sleeping 4-6 hours. 

Now (after almost 2 years of living with my angel baby who is a wonderful sleeper 99% of the time) my problem is being able to fall back asleep after I've been totally woken up. This morning is an example of that. And as I lay in bed willing my crazy brain to shut down I couldn't help but get some anxiety over the fact that in 2 months or less I'll be back to "waking up" multiple times a night (even though with M I never fully was ever able to go back to sleep during those nights). 3am anxiety is just THE BEST. 

I'm just really hoping that maybe this time will be different and I'll learn how to sleep for 1-2 hour blocks while he does. But I'm also just really excited to have him here and meet him. No sleep and all. 

I know the next 2 months are going to fly by and he's going to be here before we know it! I have absolutely no idea what to expect or how I'm going to have 2 kids. But I know it will all work out and it will be awesome. I also know that in about 2.5 months I'll be looking back at this post telling my past self to get over the fact that I only got 4.5 hours of sleep last night. It's all about perspective isn't it? 

S&$@ Bart Says

(To Mckenzie) 

You be nice to daddy's crotch. You want a baby sister!  

(To Mckenzie)

All mommy did was house you for 9 months. I did all the hard work- like put up with mommy 

All semis look the same to you. You're a semi racist 

Stop accusing me of eating your fat kid snacks 

I hear Daisy Maids don't deep clean very well. Otherwise I would hire them for you 

M- You're fully capable of making the bed. 

B- Ya, but then what would you do? 

Sometimes all a guy wants to do is watch film. And then his daughter poops everywhere

(To Mckenzie) 

My very sensitive parts are very close to your feet. It's terrifying