Moving forward one baby at a time

It has been a wild 2 weeks! I've had every emotion in the book, but I haven't cried for 3 whole days which is a pretty huge accomplishment!

 While having a newborn feels easier the second time around, having 2 kids is anything but easy. I would still consider Mckenzie my bigger struggle right now than Cooper. She's acting out and having a hard time adjusting to her new brother. She loves him, but doesn't like me very much these days. I text Bart last week after a particularly hard morning saying "I miss our old life!"  Kenzie and I were best buddies and we had a routine down and a system that worked and we had mostly good days. And now...we don't. It's been hard for me to see her struggle so much and be so frustrated and I feel guilty for causing all of that for her. I can only hope that as time goes on she will adjust and get back to liking me and our life again! 

Progression in life has really been on my mind this week as I think about how hard it's been to add a new member to our family. We're here on Earth to progress and become better. And we do that by going through hard things. Bart and I could have never had kids. We could have stayed comfortable, but we were ready for something more. And Kenzie has brought us so much love. Our marriage is better and stronger because we chose to have children together. It was hard, but it made our life better. And now, round 2 is teaching me that again. We were a very happy family of 3. We were a very comfortable family of 3. But we knew it was time for another change and another step forward. I know God is smiling down on me and Bart and is proud of us for not staying comfortable. For not keeping our lives in one place. For progressing and moving forward. I know after this "hard thing" I will be a better mother and a better person. 

I'm so happy to have a healthy baby boy in my arms (even if it is for most of the night because he sucks at sleeping on his own 😉). I'm happy for my frustrated and beautiful daughter who brings me so much joy & not-joy in the same day. They are making me a better person every day. They make my marriage and testimony in my Savior stronger every day. They fill my heart with gratitude and love every day. 

I have bags under my eyes. A disgusting kitchen floor. A toddler who is having a really hard time, and a new baby who wakes up every 2 hours. I also have an amazing husband who helps and serves me with all his love.  Family, friends and neighbors who take time out of their life to help me and love on my babies & a loving Heavenly Father who hears my constant prayers and gives me the peace of mind that everything will be okay, and the energy to get through another day. 

Hi baby: Our First Week

Hi baby 

You've been with us for 7 days now and it's been a surreal experience for me. When your sister was born I suffered from Postpartum Depression. It wasn't her fault. It wasn't mine. But I had it, and it made those first 8 weeks really hard. I'm only now realizing just how bad off I was because now I have something to compare it to. My mental health is 100% better this time and it has made a world of difference. I can sleep. I want to hold you. I'm okay with other people holding you.  I'm not consistently crying. My brain isn't going 49765 miles a minute. I'm not obsessing about your eating and sleeping habits. I'm just my typical self with a newborn. Not a crazy person. 

Even now at 3:15am I am happily snuggling you during your witching hour. 

It has still been a rough few days. Recovering from surgery means I'm in constant pain and my movement is limited. I wish I could just curl up with you in bed but I have to be carefully situated in a chair. I can't really walk around while holding you just yet, and laying down to take a nap is sometimes not worth the effort. It's getting better every day, so I know this is only a phase. 

Not to mention the challenge with your sister. I get emotional just thinking of her. She is so sweet to you, but you can tell her little world no longer feels like her own. She all of a sudden seems 3 levels louder and I can't tell if I'm not noticing her volume more now, or if she has taken it up a notch. I think it's a combination of both. 

You are what I'm assuming is a "typical" newborn that sleeps pretty much all day. Your sister never did that, so your dad and I look at each other like "oh! That's what people mean when they say newborns eat sleep and poop". You're a hungry hungry hippo which is to be expected when you weigh as much as most 1+ month olds. You get angry instead of sad when something isn't going your way. If we're taking too long to feed you, or you're getting your diaper changed- you scream pretty hard pretty quickly. You also don't like being moved when you're comfy and sleeping. You have the funniest little scowl that's on your face whenever you're awake & you look just like your daddy when you do it. You also look just like your big sister when she was a newborn and it totally trips me out sometimes. Especially at the hospital, I could have sworn I had Mckenzie in my arms again. 

Daddy took the whole week off work and it's been the biggest blessing having him home! He can watch you while I am with Mckenzie, or he takes Kenzie outside and plays while you take a nap. He is much less afraid of the newborn baby phase and loves to play with you. He's so happy there is another boy in the house and I know you 2 will become best buddies. Having him home to help this week has really meant a lot to me, and I know he's he biggest reason I am feeling so good/positive. We'll see how next week goes when life gets back to "normal". 

All in all, I would say this first week with you has been a success. Am I tired? Yes, but not completely exhausted (yet). I've cried over weird things and none of my clothes fit or work with my healing incision (yet). I don't know how to relax and parent my struggling toddler and help her see that we still love her just as much. But we will figure it out together. My beautiful family of 4. 

I love you Coop, and I'm so happy you're here, healthy and mine. 

Xoxo

Mom