4am thoughts and a 3 month old baby

I randomly woke up this morning around 4am and stayed awake because I was in bed by 9 (sorry it sorry) and because all of a sudden my bed is really uncomfortable. Bart wants to get a new mattress and I'm just like...I'd rather spend that money on a vacation. Except at this moment I would totally drop 3K for a new mattress. 

Cooper is 3 months old and is perfect. Those first 2 months gave me a run for my money, but the last 3 weeks have seriously been a dream. I know babies do that on purpose, but I'm always quick to forgive them. My happiness as a mother is directly correlated to the amount of sleep I am getting. All praises to women who can function on just a few hours at a time, but in all honestly a lack of sleep is one of my biggest anxiety and depression triggers. Baby or not- if I'm not sleeping well at night I become a jumbled hot mess of tears and emotions. I was crying to my mom one day (and every day before and after this phone call for probably a solid month) wishing I could just handle the sleep deprivation like a "normal" person. But I can't, so I put my baby on a schedule and figure out sleep training and by 10 weeks old my baby is sleeping thru the night and mommy is a sane person again. 

Cooper is a thumb sucker, which is my favorite trait in all of babyland and is the reason he sleeps so well at night and naps like a champ. He still loves to be held and I love it too and snuggle as much as possible. All he does is smile at me and guys, I'm still just as obsessed by it. He'll smile when I get him up in the morning, he smiles at me through his crying if I'm not feeding him fast enough, and he'll smile all the way through his bottle. He's also a big talker and will sit and chat/yell at me for as long as I'm in his face talking back. He's scared of loud noises like the piano at church and the chairs moving across the tile and will get the saddest look on his face before starting to cry. He loves watching his sister and isn't as scared of her anymore. Kenzie is SO MUCH BETTER and I can actually leave him on the floor and let her play because she doesn't have attack-the-baby on the brain (most days) 

I went back to work last week and this week I'm really missing my babies. But I'm glad to be back and routine/schedule is my love language so it's good. For now, working with 2 kids is the same amount of difficult, but managing the house is harder. I go much longer between grocery trips and other errands because getting two kids in and out of the car when it's cold and wet and one kid's nap time is just not a game I volunteer to play often. Maybe when it gets warmer or maybe when I don't have to take the infant car seat in every time or maybe when I grow an extra arm those things will become a priority again. Maybe. 

Bart is in full head coach mode and I'm so proud of him! The timing worked out well because now he is home around 6 most nights instead of 3, but it matched up with me going back to work, so I'm not on hour 12 of kids all to myself = I'm not staring at the clock counting down the hours minutes seconds until he gets home (most days). I'm excited for this year and it's been fun to chat about the good bad and ugly of the program during pillow talk. Kenzie already loves daddy's new work and I'm sure we'll be spending a lot of our time on the east side. 

I could keep going, but it's now time to officially wake up and get ready and if I don't publish this sucker now, I probably won't remember until the next time I'm up at 4. Xo

12 Weeks of Mommy Glory

I'd like to say maternity leave has been filled with only wonderful moments where my children were happy 100% of the time and I lost all the baby weight and really "found" myself and learned yoga and 50 new paleo recipes. I'd like to say I made breakfast lunch and dinner every day and my house stayed clean and my kids didn't wear the same clothes 2 days in a row. Id like to say I really embraced craft time and we celebrated each holiday with special activities. I'd like to say we spent our days outside riding scooters and feeding ducks and having picnics. But it was like 20 degrees the entire time and sometimes it was just easier to let Kenzie find a snack in the pantry than make lunch and not fight her to change her 2 day old shirt. And sometimes craft time only lasted 5 minutes because one cotton ball snowman is enough and playing with scissors is more fun anyway. And sometimes when my kids were both asleep and I had a chance to exercise I chose to lay down on the couch and binge watch Gilmore Girls because the theme song to Daniel the Tiger and Super Why was keeping me up at night. 

The last 12 weeks I have only showered every several days and worn makeup even less. I've eaten candy for breakfast and skipped countless lunches. I've slept and not slept and cried a lot. I've missed my husband and my job and my friends and my sense of "normal". We have gone to the library like every other day because it's inside and not our house and it kills 1-2hrs of our day. Grocery shopping became something we did more because we were bored and less because we needed actual groceries. Sometimes I even just loaded up the kids and drove around because all Mckenzie wanted to do was whine and try to kill her brother and keeping her buckled up and away from my view is only approved when you're in the car. 

Mckenzie embraced 3 hour naps every day and that was my alone time with Cooper and the reason she is still alive and I still have some of my sanity. We spent our mornings waking up at 6am and waiting until 10 because nothing opens until 10 except Target. Thank goodness for Target. We watched a lot of TV. We learned that "grown ups come back" and azul is blue in Spanish and that Curious George always gets into trouble. We watched Angry Birds on repeat and got through the scary parts of Beauty and the Beast until they weren't so scary anymore. I repeat: we watched a lot of TV. 

I watched my baby boy find his hands and his smile and learn how to laugh and sleep on his own. I watched my big girl learn to take deep breaths when she is frustrated and to play soft with her brother. I've learned to take deep breaths too and realize I CAN make the choice not to yell. I learned how beautiful time with a new baby can be when you aren't also dealing with post partum depression. I learned that I am a good mom EVERY DAY because I love them and am doing my best to teach them and all those nasty thoughts in my head about not being good enough aren't truth. 

Am I ready to go back to work? Yes. Have I loved my 12 weeks spent in all its mommy glory? Yes. 

Hi baby: sleepy love

Hi my sweet baby boy,

It's 6am and we've been cuddling since 4:30. While your sleeping has improved, it's still not sleeping through the night and let's be honest- that's really the only milestone worth celebrating when it comes to sleep. For now you go down for bed around 7pm, wake to eat around 1-2am and then it's a wild card until we get up for the day at 6am. Sometimes you just need your binki around 3, but usually it's your "witching hour" and you don't sleep very peacefully. I know it will get better and I'm trying to be patient. Your daddy helps me so I'm getting about 6 good hours of sleep and that helps keep me sane. 

I think the hardest part this time around is you not having your own room. Right now you're out in the landing in between the two bedrooms which means every time you start yelling at night I'm worried you will wake your sister so you get way more attention than she did! Sometimes you get put in my walk-in closet because that's the best place to keep noise away from you, and potential crying in the middle of the night away from her. I've even had the thought of turning our pantry downstairs into your temporary space. Don't judge me- I'm sleep deprived. 

You two will share a room eventually- I just have no idea when that will be. Your sister is still in her crib, and I'm in no rush to get her out (but I think she's going to realize she can climb out any day now) and I'm worried at this point she would crawl into your crib and smother you if you 2 shared a space...so for now you're in the hall and getting spoiled at night. You're welcome. 

You starting smiling and cooing last week and it just melts my heart! I really love it when my babies start interacting and even though I'm trying to not wish away time, I'm excited for you to grow and develop. Your sister was such a fun baby to be around and I loved watching her learn and grow. I am looking forward to doing that with you. 

We just finished Christmas weekend and I loved having you be a part of all the festivities. Having 2 kids has just become our new normal and while it's overwhelming a lot of the time, it feels natural and I'm really glad you're here! Your sister seems to have adjusted to you and still loves you really hard. Don't worry, your dad and I are keeping you alive. 

I don't get very much one-on-one time with you to just chat and play and stare at you. I miss it, and know that's just a luxury I can't really expect anymore- but I love you just as much as your crazy goofy sister and I'm so happy I get 5 more weeks of you and Kenzie before going back to work. 

I love you handsome boy, stay strong and keep growing

Xoxo

Mom

Cooper 1 Month

I was reading through Kenzie's monthly updates and I love remembering it, so I'm going to do my best at updating Cooper too.  I have a hard time blogging at all since my hands are full all day long, and I'm not in the mood in the middle of the night. 

I am the living example of "no 2 kids are the same" and it's been that way since day 1. Kenzie wasn't a sleepy newborn. Cooper was. Cooper could be held all day and night to sleep. Kenzie had to be put down &; didn't like to cuddle. Kenzie wasn't an awesome napper, but dominated night sleep. Cooper rocks his naps but totally sucks at night. Kenzie was an awesome eater and chugged her bottle & ate consistent amounts. I have wasted so much formula with Cooper because he eats random amounts. He has tummy issues, she never did. She loved to sit in her baby chair and chill, he really just wants to be held and loved on & cries if you put him down for more than a few minutes. 

Are you catching my drift here?? 

But he's also so sweet. I love that he loves to cuddle (most of the time). And I really love him. Yesterday was a really hard day. At the end of it I said out loud "I hate my life right now" and as I was holding Cooper when he wouldn't sleep I said I hate that you can't sleep well at night. I hate how tired I am. I hate how stressed and overwhelmed I feel. I hate cleaning my house. I hate my house (mostly because I'm stuck in it all day) And I hate this day. But I really really really love you. And I think that sums up motherhood really well- don't you? We do things every single day we don't like, or things that don't seem important but seem SO redundant and we do them all for the people we love the most. My love for my son doesn't go away just because his witching hour is from 2-6am. My love for that day doesn't exists, but my love for him stays. And thank goodness for that! 

As much as I love him, I can't wait for the night that he sleeps on a predicable schedule and maybe longer than 3 hours at a time 😬 I think the thing keeping me sane is knowing that eventually he will sleep. I don't know when, and it isn't looking like it will be as soon as his sister did, but I know one day he will. Even if I have to wait until he's old enough to let him cry and figure it out himself 👍🏻 

Moving forward one baby at a time

It has been a wild 2 weeks! I've had every emotion in the book, but I haven't cried for 3 whole days which is a pretty huge accomplishment!

 While having a newborn feels easier the second time around, having 2 kids is anything but easy. I would still consider Mckenzie my bigger struggle right now than Cooper. She's acting out and having a hard time adjusting to her new brother. She loves him, but doesn't like me very much these days. I text Bart last week after a particularly hard morning saying "I miss our old life!"  Kenzie and I were best buddies and we had a routine down and a system that worked and we had mostly good days. And now...we don't. It's been hard for me to see her struggle so much and be so frustrated and I feel guilty for causing all of that for her. I can only hope that as time goes on she will adjust and get back to liking me and our life again! 

Progression in life has really been on my mind this week as I think about how hard it's been to add a new member to our family. We're here on Earth to progress and become better. And we do that by going through hard things. Bart and I could have never had kids. We could have stayed comfortable, but we were ready for something more. And Kenzie has brought us so much love. Our marriage is better and stronger because we chose to have children together. It was hard, but it made our life better. And now, round 2 is teaching me that again. We were a very happy family of 3. We were a very comfortable family of 3. But we knew it was time for another change and another step forward. I know God is smiling down on me and Bart and is proud of us for not staying comfortable. For not keeping our lives in one place. For progressing and moving forward. I know after this "hard thing" I will be a better mother and a better person. 

I'm so happy to have a healthy baby boy in my arms (even if it is for most of the night because he sucks at sleeping on his own 😉). I'm happy for my frustrated and beautiful daughter who brings me so much joy & not-joy in the same day. They are making me a better person every day. They make my marriage and testimony in my Savior stronger every day. They fill my heart with gratitude and love every day. 

I have bags under my eyes. A disgusting kitchen floor. A toddler who is having a really hard time, and a new baby who wakes up every 2 hours. I also have an amazing husband who helps and serves me with all his love.  Family, friends and neighbors who take time out of their life to help me and love on my babies & a loving Heavenly Father who hears my constant prayers and gives me the peace of mind that everything will be okay, and the energy to get through another day. 

Hi baby: Our First Week

Hi baby 

You've been with us for 7 days now and it's been a surreal experience for me. When your sister was born I suffered from Postpartum Depression. It wasn't her fault. It wasn't mine. But I had it, and it made those first 8 weeks really hard. I'm only now realizing just how bad off I was because now I have something to compare it to. My mental health is 100% better this time and it has made a world of difference. I can sleep. I want to hold you. I'm okay with other people holding you.  I'm not consistently crying. My brain isn't going 49765 miles a minute. I'm not obsessing about your eating and sleeping habits. I'm just my typical self with a newborn. Not a crazy person. 

Even now at 3:15am I am happily snuggling you during your witching hour. 

It has still been a rough few days. Recovering from surgery means I'm in constant pain and my movement is limited. I wish I could just curl up with you in bed but I have to be carefully situated in a chair. I can't really walk around while holding you just yet, and laying down to take a nap is sometimes not worth the effort. It's getting better every day, so I know this is only a phase. 

Not to mention the challenge with your sister. I get emotional just thinking of her. She is so sweet to you, but you can tell her little world no longer feels like her own. She all of a sudden seems 3 levels louder and I can't tell if I'm not noticing her volume more now, or if she has taken it up a notch. I think it's a combination of both. 

You are what I'm assuming is a "typical" newborn that sleeps pretty much all day. Your sister never did that, so your dad and I look at each other like "oh! That's what people mean when they say newborns eat sleep and poop". You're a hungry hungry hippo which is to be expected when you weigh as much as most 1+ month olds. You get angry instead of sad when something isn't going your way. If we're taking too long to feed you, or you're getting your diaper changed- you scream pretty hard pretty quickly. You also don't like being moved when you're comfy and sleeping. You have the funniest little scowl that's on your face whenever you're awake & you look just like your daddy when you do it. You also look just like your big sister when she was a newborn and it totally trips me out sometimes. Especially at the hospital, I could have sworn I had Mckenzie in my arms again. 

Daddy took the whole week off work and it's been the biggest blessing having him home! He can watch you while I am with Mckenzie, or he takes Kenzie outside and plays while you take a nap. He is much less afraid of the newborn baby phase and loves to play with you. He's so happy there is another boy in the house and I know you 2 will become best buddies. Having him home to help this week has really meant a lot to me, and I know he's he biggest reason I am feeling so good/positive. We'll see how next week goes when life gets back to "normal". 

All in all, I would say this first week with you has been a success. Am I tired? Yes, but not completely exhausted (yet). I've cried over weird things and none of my clothes fit or work with my healing incision (yet). I don't know how to relax and parent my struggling toddler and help her see that we still love her just as much. But we will figure it out together. My beautiful family of 4. 

I love you Coop, and I'm so happy you're here, healthy and mine. 

Xoxo

Mom