How to Make a Man Happy

Bart showed me this today on Facebook and I kind of turned into a crazy person. He said it was meant to be funny...and I just have a few opinions on that...


ORIGINAL POST:
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Feed him
2. Sleep with him
3. Leave him with peace
4. Don't check his phone (Msgs)
5. Don't bother him with his movements

So what's so hard about that?

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY:

It's really not too difficult but... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a plumber
10. a mechanic
11. a carpenter
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. go shopping with her
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. never forget
*birthdays
*anniversaries
*valentine
*arrangements she makes

 I agree, women need all 50 things. I can probably add 50 things men also need. Let's see what I can do shall we?

MY VERSION
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
It's really not too difficult but...to make a man happy, a woman only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a mother
3. a sex toy
4. a best bud
5. a chef
6. a maid
7. a sports enthusiast 
8. a nurse
9. a mute
10. a sounding board
11. funny
12. athletic
13. smart
14. tender
15. understanding
16. sweet
17. passionate
18. creative
19. organized
20. ambitious

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
21. feed his ego regularly
22. make sure his favorite snacks are in stock
23. be honest (but not too...)
24. be very hot and sexy and maintain our bodies for 40+ years
25. not stress them out

AND AT THE SAME TIME YOU MUST ALSO:
26. give him attention when he needs it and NOT A MINUTE LATER
27. leave him alone on the couch for hours because he had a really stressful day
28. not text, call or contact too often because then you just look needy.

BUST MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
29. never forget
*he needs sex often and no, foreplay isn't required and yes, he will settle for a blow job.

Bottom line? Shut the hell up. Men aren't cavemen and they need just as much emotional stimulation as women do. Don't act like women are so hard to live with. Men.are.the.exact.same.

*Disclaimer, this is not a sneak peek into the life with Bart. A few things were inspired by him, but just like this original post, most of these things are based on sexist stereotypes. 

A Pringles can of emotion

I cried in Olive Garden tonight 

And by cry I mean have a complete emotional breakdown in front of everyone. Over what you ask? This fat kid cried over the gluten free menu options 

Let's start at the beginning shall we?

Every Valentine's Day/season my dad takes my sisters and me out for dinner. I love the tradition and we do it every year. After a series of events we landed at Olive Garden. Not the best place for a gluten free soul like myself. I ask for a gluten free menu and got excited when she handed me a 3 page menu! Options! I see chicken-Alfredo Calzone and boom. There was my order. 

Jk. They only have calzones mon-thurs until 4pm.

 Okay whateves. I will just have the chicken Alfredo. (At this point I was really needing that Alfredo sauce). 

The waitress looks at the menu and says oh no no no. The gluten free menu is on the BACK of this one. She points to 4 dinner options. 4. And how many included Alfredo sauce? Zero. How many appealed to a pregnant woman? Zero (salmon and steak and chicken? Thanksbutnothanks) 

I stared at those 4 options for a solid 60 seconds trying to keep the tears back. It was no use. I start bawling. Tears streaming down my face. I put a hand over my face and said to her "I'm sorry. I'm just pregnant and really hungry and I don't want anything on this menu". The poor girl said she would give me a few minutes and took off. 

I then cried for at least another 5 minutes non stop. My makeup is now all over my napkin and the tears just keep coming. My little sister is tearing up and laughing, my older sister is just watching with a helpless look on her face and my dad is sitting there with a look of indifference. 

It was slightly mortifying and 100% hilarious. These preggo tears are their own boss and once they start they are like a damn Pringles can and they just don't stop.  

Once I finally calmed down we laughed and moved on. I'm so happy I was with my family. Anyone else and I would have been so humiliated. Now we just  have a good story to tell. 

In the end I said screw it and ordered a very gluten dish of cheese ravioli with Alfredo sauce. It was delicious. 

Cold pizza

I just love waking up at 2am on a Tuesday morning

-said no one. Ever. 

Since this whole preggo thing I haven't been the best sleeper at night. Maybe it's because I take 89% more naps than usual and crawl into bed at 7 but if there isn't a medicated sleeping pill in my system I don't make it through the night. 

Yep. You guessed it. There isn't a medicated sleeping pill in my system right now and I'm WIDE AWAKE at 3:06 and have been for an hour. 

It's debatable what wakes me up. It could be my aforementioned (correct word use?) sleeping pattern/habits. It could be that I wake up feeling like a hibernated bear who needs a snackrightnoworIwilleatyourface and I'm so freakin thirsty you would think I haven't had a glass of water for days. It could also be that I bought a pregnancy pillow ( the legit $75 one that is back AND belly and is supposed to be better than the sex that got you in this situation in the first place) and I am just not feelin' it. I am a true blue tummy sleeper and this pillow hasn't made me into a believer of side sleeping just yet. So there's that. Did I mention I was hungry? I took a field trip downstairs and had apple juice instead of a snack because really, what does one eat at 2:30 when there is no available cold pizza? The answer is apple juice. 

So here I am squished in between the back and belly part of my pillow listening to my dog chase squirrels in his sleep and my darling husband who thank heavens is a quiet snoozer. 

These 3am bonding experiences between me and my crazy manic mind remind me of college when I woke up at 3 am every.@&$?.morning. I blame that on a different kind if medicated pill but those nights/mornings weren't any more fun than these are. The only difference is the cold pizza situation. 

Did I mention I was hungry? 

No, I don't want your effing Quinoa

I want to start off by saying: If you're a man NO PREGNANT WOMAN IS INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY. Not about our diet, about our exercise, about our weight, not any kind of advice. We aren't asking you because you're a freaking MAN and you will never get it. So just shut the hell up and tell me I'm pretty.






So as you all know if you read this blog I have Hashimotos and have been treating it with a pretty strict diet since April 2013. I love my doctors and they have helped me feel so much better.  

Now that I'm pregnant I want to punch those same doctors in the face. I was talking to one of them today explaining how hard it has been to follow my gluten free, sugar free, processed food free life now that I'm prego. I told him how my OBGYN said I wasn't getting enough calories and I needed to start eating a little gluten to help. He immediately went off with a bunch of really helpful suggestions:

"There is no nutritional value when it comes to gluten, that stuff is poison blah blah blah"
My Response: Do you really think I give a crap about nutritional value most times of the day? I don't. I care about taste and texture and convenience and if it's going to fill me up.When nothing sounds good I'm not super interested in the nutrition label.

"There are plenty of healthy snacks....eat a sweet potato!" 
My Response: I use to love sweet potatoes. I would eat one pretty much every day. Now I can't choke them down. So no, I will not just eat a sweet potato.

*This is where that "don't speak you're a man" philosophy comes into play. When I told him about my aversions to vegetables (as in I will puke on you if you make me swallow this broccoli) he just stared at me with this face that said "You're just using that as an excuse and you need to get over it because vegetables are good for you...." When I tell a mom that I can't choke down veggies they nod and understand and offer helpful solutions. Men just look at me like a fat little kid who is lying so they can skip to dessert. When I tell you I can't eat vegetables I'm not exaggerating, I'm not lying and I'm not making excuses.

"There are other things that can fill you up besides gluten...like Quinoa! Just eat Quinoa!"
My Response: Let's get 100 pregnant women in a room together and ask how many of them are just dying for a big bowl of quinoa. I hated that shit when I wasn't pregnant. I'm sure as hell not eating it now!

I know it's really hard for a health care professional to understand why a woman might throw all of her healthy habits out the window when a little person is cooking inside of her and I know being pregnant isn't an excuse to let yourself go and destroy your healthy habits.

But being pregnant also isn't the time to obsess about what you are eating for lunch and if you're sitting on the couch too long even though you feel like crap.

My body is changing every day and I am trying to mentally, emotionally and physically deal with that. I don't need the help of men telling me to "just get over it" for my health. At the moment the best thing for my health ( and the safety and well being of my husband) is eating Raspberry Jello and watching stupid shows on Netflix.

Hi Baby, 6.5 Weeks & 13 Weeks

[written in December]

Hi Baby,

You are 6 1/2 weeks old and I still can't believe you are in there! I found out 2 1/2 weeks ago and it has been so hard not to share the news with everyone. I get to tell my family this week and I am so excited. I had to tell my best friend Sarah and of course daddy but I want to talk to my mom about this crazy experience.

I still don't "feel" pregnant and I'm not sure when that will change. I feel a little car sick in the mornings and at night and my boobs are huge! But other than that, you haven't made too much of an impact on my body just yet. I know that will change and to be honest I'm a little nervous.

Daddy and I waited almost 3 years before adding you to the family and I want you to know that I am so happy we waited. We have had so much fun together and have a great base of love, friendship and commitment to each other I know raising you will be a little easier because of it.

Speaking of daddy....he is already talking like you are here and 5 years old ready to run around with him and play football. He is convinced you are a boy and you will be his best buddy.

Even though I don't feel pregnant, I still love you already and I can't wait to share these next 33ish weeks with you before you join our family!

Stay strong and keep growing.

xoxo

Mom

_________________________________________________________________________________

Hi Baby,

You are 13 weeks old today and I can officially call you my little peach! I'm surprised you are only the size of my favorite fruit and not the size of a melon. Thanks to bloating my stomach expands well beyond the typical 13 week baby bump. Daddy is cute and will rub it...until I remind him that it's gas...not baby. 

I had a bit of an emotional break down last night. I am having a hard time adjusting to being sick every day! I just have to remember what is happening inside of me (you!) and be strong. Everyone says it will pass and I'm excited for that day!

As you keep growing daddy and I are trying to plan the best we can. It can be overwhelming but I'm thankful to know you won't be the first baby in this world and there are billions of moms who have done this before. I hope you are patient with me as I learn how to be a good mom for you. Just know you are already loved very much and we can't wait to meet you. 

Stay strong and keep growing.

xoxo

Mom

3 reasons why keeping the pregnancy news to yourself sucks

I don't know when you will be reading this but I know it won't be today (12/28/13) because none of you know I'm pregnant. Hence this post. I am 7.5 weeks pregnant and the only people that know are immediate family members and my BFF. Here are a few reasons why that sucks

1. I want to talk about it. Obviously this is pretty amazeballs news and we are so excited! This is a little better because now my family knows and I can talk to them about it. But still, I want to be able to bitch and celebrate and complain and all the other emotions that come when a baby is cooking to anyone when the feeling is right..not just a select few.

2. I have to suck it in. At 7.5 weeks I don't have a baby bump, but I have a bloated bump. and this belly expands to at least the 5 month-baby-bump stage after I eat anything more than a string cheese or glass of juice. It's embarrassing and funny and kind of painful. Last night I was laying on the couch with my huge belly hanging out so happy that I didn't have to be at work because I would have to cover this sucker up. I don't know when I will be ready to tell people at work, but I do know hoodies are going to be a staple at that place until then. I don't have very many prego symptoms, but bloating is definitely one of them.

3. I can't stuff my face to satisfaction in public places. A few weeks ago Bart and I attended his End of Year Football Banquet. They served up barbecue pulled pork sandwiches with beans and potatoes (typical man meal). I couldn't have the bun and the stupid lady only gave me half a plastic spoonful of beans so I was so hungry. I ate my pulled pork and made Bart go back and get me some more. He whispered in my ear that he wouldn't be able to keep my pregnancy a secret if I kept eating like this. Story of my life! Before we told my parents on Christmas I tried really hard not to inhale the entire plate of 7 layer bean dip to give anything away. Technically I don't even need extra calories for this little blueberry, but not everything sounds appetizing so when it does, I like to eat it. You're welcome.