Hi baby: heaven and hell

Hello my angel baby

I just put you to sleep and you went right down. Your wet slobbery "kiss" is still on my cheek and your drool is still on my shirt. The last few weeks we have been putting you to bed early- between 7 and 8pm and you sleep 7-8 hours, wake up for 10 minutes to eat and then sleep 3ish more. It's amazing and it means daddy and I have been getting more sleep. It also means I am not awake for long periods of time in the middle of the night, so my blog posts have been lacking. 

I am thoroughly enjoying our time together these days. To be honest those first 6-7 weeks were heaven and hell all in one and most days hell seemed to beat out heaven.

 I wasn't happy. I loved you SO much. But there wasn't happiness in my heart. I was exhausted. So beyond tired it's like nothing I can describe. My mind was never fully turned on during the day because I was past the point of functioning. Sure I learned to live with it and I think most people didn't notice. 

Call it exhaustion, call it post-partum depression or the baby blues, whatever name we give it I want you to know it was never about you. Your sweet face was the only thing that could really make me smile. I didn't miss my old life, I didn't hate my body or wonder if we made a mistake. I didn't wish I could go back to last year. I was glad you were here and I thanked God every night for giving you to me and trusting me with this amazing person. 

And even though I loved you, I was almost too tired to love you even more. I was too tired to want to cuddle with you. Luckily you were a great napper because even though I didn't sleep, I needed that mental break. 

And then something crazy happened. You started smiling at me...and "talking" to me. You loved me too! We just sat in that rocking chair and talked for almost an hour and I fell in love with you all over again. 

You started sleeping 6-8 hours which means I was sleeping more than 4 (usually 6). I can't tell you what regular sleep has done to my poor brain. I have energy enough to actually function.

It came at the best time too because now you are awake and want to play and I have the energy and desire to play back. I love laying on the floor with you and giving you my undecided attention. 

My mom says we have bonded. That this is what bonding with your baby feels like. Do I wish I could have bonded with you sooner? Of course. But that's not the reality. I was too tired to bond. I was too sad and depressed to bond. But guess what? None of that matters because the bond is there now and it only gets stronger every day. 

I love watching you and cuddling with you and talking to you. I love loving you baby girl and I love that you love me back. 

So thanks for letting me squish your cheeks and kiss your face and be goofy during tummy time. Thanks for needing me and loving me- even when I couldn't feel much of anything. Thanks for helping me through the hardest two months of my life. Thanks for being my angel baby. I love you


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